SHE'S HERE!!!

My dear blogging friends,

I am SO sorry to be so late in announcing this news - several of you have thoughtfully been checking in on me which I very much appreciate. So without further ado....

Margot Anne was born on January 13, at 7:25pm. She weighed 6lb, 3oz and was 19 inches long. She's an incredibly happy baby and we are completely in love with her. She's taken to breastfeeding like a pro and we've been loving every minute. I ended up with a c-section after 20 hours of labor, but am recovering fine and am feeling great - very, very happy, most of all.

Hope you all are well - I haven't been keeping up with blogland since taking care of this little one, but hope to catch up soon! Much love and many blessings to all.

31 Weeks

I'm still here! I haven't been posting (obviously) and haven't been commenting, either. Just reading along with what's been going on with all of you. Cheering for you when congratulations are in order, and feeling very sad for you when condolences are in order. I just haven't been actually putting my hands on the keyboard to share those feelings.

In part, it's because I don't really know what to write. It's hard to share all my happy feelings about this pregnancy and all the physical discomforts that come along with it, when I know those words are hard to read for many of you. And maybe it's hard to write because I sometimes still feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen, even though I have no reason to believe that something will. The whole "once infertile, always paranoid" conundrum.

All of that aside, I will share with you one interesting/gross/painful pregnancy side effect that I have been wanting to blog about, in the off chance that you experience this as well. I have a vulvar varicose vein. And this thing is HUGE. MY VAGINA HURTS A LOT. This may be too graphic, but it's a large, blue, rope-like vein that runs along the labia. Add to that major swelling and pain in the whole area, throw in many bruise-like spider veins on my thighs, and you will know immediately that there is no sex happening in my household. Wearing this has helped, but the pain still takes my breath away when I stand up after sitting for a while. Plus, the lacy jock strap contraption adds to the unsexiness of my nether regions. I am hoping and hoping that this resolves after the baby is born, but know that if I'm lucky enough to have a second pregnancy that it could get even worse.

But really, that is my ONLY complaint. I am getting tireder, wake up to pee a lot, and have the odd ache or pain in my back or legs, but those aren't even worth mentioning. Because above all, it is the sheer amazement of this pregnancy that is the dominant emotion. It still seems so surreal, even though this baby will be in my arms in two months. January seems simultaneously far away and right around the corner.

We've been taking Bradley Method birthing classes, which have been fabulous. I really want to have this baby as naturally as possible and the classes have helped to confirm that desire and to give us tools for the actual labor and delivery. And we have a doula too, who is a friend of mine from my yoga class, so I really feel prepared. Of course this will probably mean that I will end up needing an emergency c-section, since nature likes to laugh at the prepared.

Best of all is when this baby moves around. She seems to prefer my right side, and I love feeling the little lump of baby hanging out under my ribs. We are so excited to meet her.

I don't know how much more posting I will do in the coming weeks. I will definitely post an update after her birth to introduce this little Clomid baby. But then I'm not sure what will happen with this blog. I will definitely keep it up in case something I've experienced can be helpful to someone else. But I'm not sure I will continue blogging. I will still be around, though, checking in on all of you. And will be sending all my wishes and prayers that your infertility journeys come to swift and happy endings.

Sitting Straight Up

The ultrasound was AMAZING. There is really a baby in there. One who was sitting up when we first got a look. The u/s tech laughed, and said that they don't see that very often. And then this baby curled into a little ball, making it very difficult to get all of the necessary measurements. But, oh, so incredibly cute to see those little hands right by the little feet.

Everything is perfect. Four chambers to the heart, two kidneys, everything measuring right on track, normal amniotic fluid levels, etc. We are thrilled.

And? It's a girl! Just as K had dreamed the other night. Just as my sister dreamed in the very beginning of the pregnancy. And just as I had been sensing over the past couple of weeks. We're going to have a daughter! We couldn't be more thrilled.

Belly Dancing

First, thanks for your advice about my calling M and H. I emailed H and apologized if I had come across as nosy and told her that they had been in my thoughts and I wanted her to know I was thinking about them. She emailed back and said it was okay, and that she would only start to get concerned if I was keeping track of her cycle on a calendar. So I think we're okay. I think next time, I will wait for them to bring it up, or send an email a few days later saying that I am thinking about them. That way, she can respond or not, but still know that I remember what they're going through.

Second, Women Use Belly Dancing, Other Techniques During Childbirth, Wall Street Journal Reports. Just in case you were wondering about this.

Meanwhile, I am anxiously awaiting our BIG ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I hope, hope, hope everything is going okay in there. Please be healthy and growing, little baby.

I am also dying of a terrible cold, for which I can take nothing. Ugh! I seriously think I have sneezed approximately 67 times, and have used a half box of Kleenex. By day's end, it's sure to be empty. If I last all day at work, that is...

Anyway, will update you tomorrow on the u/s results!

Not sure I did the right thing

So we have two friends, M and H, who have been trying to conceive for about 6 years. Although they had tried Clomid before, mostly they were just trying on their own and hoping things would align. Recently, though, they began to get serious about treatment and just had their first IUI two weeks ago. They shared all the details with us, and were excitedly talking about the multiples they were sure to have, and I swallowed my pessimism and was excited for them.

Well, of course two weeks has passed and we all know what that means. We hadn't talked about it, but I knew they were likely going in for a beta either Friday or Saturday, and would know either way. And I didn't want to be nosy and bug them, but I also wanted them to know that we remembered to and were thinking about them. So I called them tonight to see how they were doing and ended up asking if they knew anything yet, and tried to apologize if I was being too nosy, and I still don't know if I did the right thing by calling. It was negative, and they were having margaritas when I called.

So I feel awful about calling if they didn't feel like sharing the news, or talking about it at all. And I feel like a really nosy annoying friend. But I also didn't want them to feel like they were alone and wanted them to feel cared about. But, ugh, how awkward that conversation just was and how awkward I feel about having called.

If it was YOU, and you were friends with me (and we had talked lots about IF previously and you were one of the first to know that I was pregnant and that it was via Clomid) would you want me to call or have been irritated that I called? Would you have wanted me to wait until you called me? Or wanted me to send an email asking how you were? What should I have done here? Ugh.

Nuthin's shakin', bacon

I thought the second trimester was supposed to make me super horny. Unfortunately for my husband, that has definitely not happened yet. I am feeling better - no more nausea, not as tired all the time, but still not very interested in rolling around in bed. I wonder if the incredible stress of having to have sex right-this-very-second-or-we-will-miss-it has ruined it for me? And will my libido ever come back?

But in general, there's not a lot to update - everything is going smoothly as far as I can tell. The paranoia is pretty much gone, though I do have my moments. I'm hoping that when I begin to show more, that it will feel even more real to me, and I'll feel even more secure that everything is going to be fine. Clothes-wise, I'm in a weird limbo phase where my regular pants are super tight and uncomfortable, but I don't feel ready for maternity clothes yet, so I'm just trying to scrape by with anything I can find in my closet with an elastic waistband.

Although it is much much easier for me to see pregnant women and babies all over the place, I still feel a little jealous of them. Isn't that ridiculous? Because, duh. However, a friend of mine just called. She has a 10 month old who was conceived on the second month off the pill. And now, an oops! She's already 6 weeks along and just found out yesterday when she decided to take a test since she just wasn't feeling herself. I'm glad that they don't have to suffer through IF but, seriously?

I feel like the fact that this is a pregnancy after IF is some kind of secret I carry around with me. We had friends visiting this weekend and I was talking to one of them who asked me if the pregnancy was planned. I laughed. And then told her the whole long story of how very much planned this was. She was stunned. She couldn't imagine, would have had no idea, etc. Sometimes I feel like I should talk about it more, about how it wasn't easy for us to get pregnant, just to try to normalize IF a bit. But other times, I just want to forget all the tests and doctor's visits and just let this be as normal a pregnancy as possible.

Sorry I haven't been writing more, but really, there has (thankfully) not been much to write about. Our anatomy ultrasound is scheduled for three weeks (!) from now, and I'm very excited to see him or her again and to maybe even find out what flavor baby we're having. My husband thinks it's a boy, for ridiculous reasons, like the fact that I have eaten chicken wings several times recently. Because, see, HE likes chicken wings, so therefore, it MUST be a boy!

Update

I called the practice where we'll be going and told them I was feeling anxious and they let me come in for a heart rate check this afternoon. The midwife who saw me was so incredibly nice and kind and was not judgmental in the slightest about my paranoia. She happily asked how I had been feeling, answered my questions about constipation (or as K calls it, poo poo anxiety), and let me hear the heartbeat. Which was strong and clear and sounded just like a little choo-choo train.

I'm so, so happy. This little guy really is in there, and is growing away. It's such a freaking miracle. And I just feel so blessed.

I will admit to feeling awkward about blogging about this pregnancy. Especially about my last post. So many of you have struggled so hard for so long and I've been feeling a sense of survivor's guilt. Especially since this is a result of the first round of Clomid. Granted, there were two years of alternative treatments and a surgery before the Clomid, but still. I don't know why I've been lucky and others haven't. If I could wave a magic wand and eliminate infertility for all of my friends, both on the internets and in real life, I would do it in an instant. It is so incredibly unfair.

I'll keep writing for now, but I don't know if anyone wants to keep reading. I know it's hard for many of you. I know when I first started reading blogs I was alternately annoyed when I came across pregnancy after infertility blogs and happy that so many people seemed to eventually get pregnant. If some of you want to disappear, I completely understand.