Thanks so much to those who have been checking in on me. Everything is going okay (I think), aside from my constant paranoia that something terrible has happened and I just don't know it yet. I even Googled "missed miscarriage" this morning. You know, just in case there was some symptom (there is not) that would tell me everything is either okay or not okay.
What is wrong with me? I am so grateful to be pregnant but I have a hard time being joyful about it since I am so terrified. I have thought about renting a doppler, but that scares me too. I'm worried that it will just heighten my anxiety, rather than reduce it.
Most of the time I am okay. This worry just sneaks up on me. The last ultrasound was two and a half weeks ago and everything was totally fine. So there's no apparent reason to worry. But I haven't gained ANY weight yet and I certainly don't look at all pregnant. Which can be normal, I know. But still I'm worried.
My first "real" OB appointment isn't until July 9, when I will be 14.5 weeks. It weirds me out that I haven't had one prenatal visit yet. I don't count my numerous dildocam visits as normal prenatal visits. Isn't someone supposed to tell me not to drink alcohol and what and what not to worry about and give me an information packet?
Anyway, that's mostly why I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say other than my worry, which comes across as complaining, and I certainly don't want to imply that I'm complaining about this pregnancy. I am not. It is truly a miracle and I feel so INCREDIBLY blessed to be here.
I am just so afraid that it's not real somehow. I wish every day for some kind of sign, like starting to show, or feeling the baby move, but I know it's too early for that. Maybe this period of time is supposed to be teaching me about faith. About trusting God/the Universe to protect this new life and to sustain me through this time of worry. About letting go of my need to control everything. And about rejoicing in the joy that is right now, the reality that is this moment.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sigh of relief
It's been a looong two weeks or so since I last posted. I'm sorry for my absence, but it was necessary. For one week, I was away, first at a conference, and then at my Ph.D. graduation. For the other week, I was trying to stay away from the internet, and just needed to think only positive thoughts and not obsess over what was going on inside me.
You see, at that follow-up appointment two weeks ago, they saw a thick band of tissue (called a synechia) across the amniotic sac. And they couldn't tell if the baby was attached to it or not. And they couldn't tell if the baby was going to have enough room to grow or not. The radiologist herself even came in for the scan and left saying she wanted to see me again in two weeks, and that there was reason to hope. Which also meant that there was possibly reason to despair. If the baby was attached to the synechia, it would mean very very bad things.
So for the last two weeks, I've basically tried to sit on my hands, breathe deeply, not think about it as much as possible, etc. So I had to escape from blogland for that to be possible. I'm really sorry for leaving you all in the dark. Thank you so much all of you who were checking in on me. I really appreciate it.
Today was our follow-up ultrasound. I'm about 10.5 weeks. AND! The synechia was smaller and thinner, and the baby was not attached, and is growing appropriately, and even has arms and legs and was swimming around. And the radiologist didn't even need to come in and the tech said that she hoped not to see us again until 18 weeks. They think it's just going to continue to shrink and that it's going to be absolutely nothing to worry about. I can't even describe how relieved we are, how much tension we've been holding about this.
I finally feel like maybe I can relax a little and enjoy this more, and not worry that I'm going to jinx myself by thinking ahead to early January, when this baby will make his/her appearance. Only a couple more weeks until the end of the first trimester, when I can breathe another sigh of relief, but I really feel like everything is going to be okay now. And I am insanely grateful.
We still have to meet with the high-risk OB practice on Wednesday, but I'm hoping it's just going to be a cursory consult, and that we can finally get transferred to a normal OB practice. I am beyond ready to just be normal.
And now, off to find out what's been going on with all of YOU!
(I think my Bloglines has something like 150 new feeds, so it might take me a while to catch up!)
You see, at that follow-up appointment two weeks ago, they saw a thick band of tissue (called a synechia) across the amniotic sac. And they couldn't tell if the baby was attached to it or not. And they couldn't tell if the baby was going to have enough room to grow or not. The radiologist herself even came in for the scan and left saying she wanted to see me again in two weeks, and that there was reason to hope. Which also meant that there was possibly reason to despair. If the baby was attached to the synechia, it would mean very very bad things.
So for the last two weeks, I've basically tried to sit on my hands, breathe deeply, not think about it as much as possible, etc. So I had to escape from blogland for that to be possible. I'm really sorry for leaving you all in the dark. Thank you so much all of you who were checking in on me. I really appreciate it.
Today was our follow-up ultrasound. I'm about 10.5 weeks. AND! The synechia was smaller and thinner, and the baby was not attached, and is growing appropriately, and even has arms and legs and was swimming around. And the radiologist didn't even need to come in and the tech said that she hoped not to see us again until 18 weeks. They think it's just going to continue to shrink and that it's going to be absolutely nothing to worry about. I can't even describe how relieved we are, how much tension we've been holding about this.
I finally feel like maybe I can relax a little and enjoy this more, and not worry that I'm going to jinx myself by thinking ahead to early January, when this baby will make his/her appearance. Only a couple more weeks until the end of the first trimester, when I can breathe another sigh of relief, but I really feel like everything is going to be okay now. And I am insanely grateful.
We still have to meet with the high-risk OB practice on Wednesday, but I'm hoping it's just going to be a cursory consult, and that we can finally get transferred to a normal OB practice. I am beyond ready to just be normal.
And now, off to find out what's been going on with all of YOU!
(I think my Bloglines has something like 150 new feeds, so it might take me a while to catch up!)
Thursday, May 24, 2007
There are times when Dr. Google is a good thing
Sorry I have been absent. I have been trying to keep my anxiety about this pregnancy at bay and worried that writing about it would just exacerbate it. I have been following along with you all, though, and YAY Bumble!!
I've been feeling what I think are "normal" pregnancy symptoms, like exhaustion (I finally brought a pillow into my office for naps on the floor) and some nausea. And there has been no spotting or cramping. But still, it's like waiting for something bad to happen. I am trying really hard to be nothing but positive, but it's so hard to trust my body.
This afternoon I had another u/s. The wanding went on forever (and again, I inserted my own wand). The tech said, "so, there's two, right?" I must have looked flabbergasted, since then she said something about the last u/s report saying something about there being another sac. She poked and prodded that thing in me and even called another tech in to look at the ultrasound. After much consultation, they decided that there was only one. And that one is looking pretty good, measuring roughly on track (okay, a few days behind, but I'm trying not to worry about it since measurements at this stage are fairly inexact) and the heartbeat was strong at 160. But there is a weird band or piece of tissue or something running through the sac, sort of making it look like two. There's nothing in the other sac. Or band, or whatever.
Of course K and I were freaking out about the band or sac or whatever it is. Our RE, who rocks, said that it's likely nothing to be worried about but we're going back for another u/s on Saturday morning at the regular hospital u/s department, which apparently has 3D u/s and doppler and will be able to tell us what's going on. On the u/s requisition form she said it was to "rule out amniotic band".
So, like the good little researcher I am, I ran back to my office and immediately Googled "amniotic band". There is something really scary called Amniotic Band Syndrome but it's really really rare and would probably not be able to be detected this early and our u/s pictures don't look like it. I think it looks most like a synechia, which is usually totally benign, but since I don't always trust that Dr. Google went to a certified medical school, I'll wait until Saturday for the real report. But, for once, perusing the internets did make me feel better.
Who even knew that this was something to worry about? I hope it's like the limo explosion. Not something I thought to worry about beforehand, but ultimately will have no real effect on the outcome. Hanging in there for now. Positive thoughts and prayers from blogland much appreciated.
I've been feeling what I think are "normal" pregnancy symptoms, like exhaustion (I finally brought a pillow into my office for naps on the floor) and some nausea. And there has been no spotting or cramping. But still, it's like waiting for something bad to happen. I am trying really hard to be nothing but positive, but it's so hard to trust my body.
This afternoon I had another u/s. The wanding went on forever (and again, I inserted my own wand). The tech said, "so, there's two, right?" I must have looked flabbergasted, since then she said something about the last u/s report saying something about there being another sac. She poked and prodded that thing in me and even called another tech in to look at the ultrasound. After much consultation, they decided that there was only one. And that one is looking pretty good, measuring roughly on track (okay, a few days behind, but I'm trying not to worry about it since measurements at this stage are fairly inexact) and the heartbeat was strong at 160. But there is a weird band or piece of tissue or something running through the sac, sort of making it look like two. There's nothing in the other sac. Or band, or whatever.
Of course K and I were freaking out about the band or sac or whatever it is. Our RE, who rocks, said that it's likely nothing to be worried about but we're going back for another u/s on Saturday morning at the regular hospital u/s department, which apparently has 3D u/s and doppler and will be able to tell us what's going on. On the u/s requisition form she said it was to "rule out amniotic band".
So, like the good little researcher I am, I ran back to my office and immediately Googled "amniotic band". There is something really scary called Amniotic Band Syndrome but it's really really rare and would probably not be able to be detected this early and our u/s pictures don't look like it. I think it looks most like a synechia, which is usually totally benign, but since I don't always trust that Dr. Google went to a certified medical school, I'll wait until Saturday for the real report. But, for once, perusing the internets did make me feel better.
Who even knew that this was something to worry about? I hope it's like the limo explosion. Not something I thought to worry about beforehand, but ultimately will have no real effect on the outcome. Hanging in there for now. Positive thoughts and prayers from blogland much appreciated.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Joy and Pain, Sunshine and Rain
Sadly, Grammy passed away yesterday morning. She was in bed with my grandfather, and when the nurse went to check on her early in the morning, she had no heartbeat. When my aunt arrived, my grandfather was upset, saying that she was supposed to die in his arms. So she got him back into bed, told him that perhaps she had not died just yet, put his arms around her, and he was able to be at peace with the thought that she was in his arms as she died. It makes me cry so much thinking about what that scene must have looked like and I am so grateful that my very loving aunt even had the presence of mind to allow him that moment. The funeral is tomorrow morning, so we're heading to Boston tonight.
My grandmother was an incredible person. She had six children. My father, the fourth child, was born 10 months after the aforementioned aunt. What they were doing having sex a month after birth with a newborn and two toddlers running around is beyond me! She managed to hold out after my dad was born, since my uncles after him came 6 and 11 years later. The funny thing is that my grandmother always claimed that my father was an ectopic pregnancy. Clearly, that's medically impossible, but I'm curious as to what the real story was.
Growing up, we lived about an hour from my grandparents, so I was fortunate to know them well and have very many fond memories. Grammy was known for her amazing chocolate chip cookies, for which my cousin and I got in trouble for sneaking from the fridge. And I'll always chuckle at her admonishment that I would always regret the fact that I had double pierced one of my ears when I was 16. She and my grandfather celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary at our wedding two years ago, and were even able to dance at the reception, which was wonderful.
I will really miss her, but am comforted by the fact that she's now pain-free and is at peace. Two days before she died, she woke up from the deep sleep/semi-coma state she had been in and out of and really wanted to get her hair done. She was convinced that she was heading to a party. The nurses were able to get her into a wheelchair and downstairs to the hair salon. Amazing. If only we could all pass into death feeling as though we were going to a party!
And then, this afternoon, I had my first ultrasound. The baby measured about 6w1d and there was a little heart flickering away on the screen. The juxtaposition of my grandmother's heart stopping beating yesterday and then seeing this little heart today is almost too much to bear. Life really is miraculous, and there is so, so much more to this universe than we will ever understand.
My grandmother was an incredible person. She had six children. My father, the fourth child, was born 10 months after the aforementioned aunt. What they were doing having sex a month after birth with a newborn and two toddlers running around is beyond me! She managed to hold out after my dad was born, since my uncles after him came 6 and 11 years later. The funny thing is that my grandmother always claimed that my father was an ectopic pregnancy. Clearly, that's medically impossible, but I'm curious as to what the real story was.
Growing up, we lived about an hour from my grandparents, so I was fortunate to know them well and have very many fond memories. Grammy was known for her amazing chocolate chip cookies, for which my cousin and I got in trouble for sneaking from the fridge. And I'll always chuckle at her admonishment that I would always regret the fact that I had double pierced one of my ears when I was 16. She and my grandfather celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary at our wedding two years ago, and were even able to dance at the reception, which was wonderful.
I will really miss her, but am comforted by the fact that she's now pain-free and is at peace. Two days before she died, she woke up from the deep sleep/semi-coma state she had been in and out of and really wanted to get her hair done. She was convinced that she was heading to a party. The nurses were able to get her into a wheelchair and downstairs to the hair salon. Amazing. If only we could all pass into death feeling as though we were going to a party!
And then, this afternoon, I had my first ultrasound. The baby measured about 6w1d and there was a little heart flickering away on the screen. The juxtaposition of my grandmother's heart stopping beating yesterday and then seeing this little heart today is almost too much to bear. Life really is miraculous, and there is so, so much more to this universe than we will ever understand.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Breathing
All afternoon I was stressing out about why I hadn't heard from the nurse yet about beta #3 from this morning and convinced myself that they called to give good news first and waited for the bad news calls, which was why she hadn't called yet. As much as I was trying to stay positive, all day has been spent worrying. Worrying, worrying.
But then I came out of my meeting, and there was the message on my phone. And the order of calls was clearly just something my anxious brain invented. Because beta #3 was 2837. Which is a doubling time of something like 35 hours.
I am overjoyed, and terrified, and cautiously so, so excited.
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In very sad opposite end of the lifespan news, my Grammy is in her last few days of life. She's at home, and has hospice care, and all of her children and my grandfather are with her. She's been so sick for so long and has been suffering so greatly. I am relieved that she is being released from her pain. But, oh, how terribly we will miss her.
But then I came out of my meeting, and there was the message on my phone. And the order of calls was clearly just something my anxious brain invented. Because beta #3 was 2837. Which is a doubling time of something like 35 hours.
I am overjoyed, and terrified, and cautiously so, so excited.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In very sad opposite end of the lifespan news, my Grammy is in her last few days of life. She's at home, and has hospice care, and all of her children and my grandfather are with her. She's been so sick for so long and has been suffering so greatly. I am relieved that she is being released from her pain. But, oh, how terribly we will miss her.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Having faith
Everything is seemingly going okay so far. I do have some symptoms, especially being very tired in the evenings, and that gives me some sense of reassurance. I am starting to understand why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes bought their own u/s machine, though. The comfort of being able to make sure that everything is okay in there whenever you want to would be marvelous.
Or maybe it wouldn't. Sometimes, you just have to have faith that everything will go as it needs to. And if it means that this pregnancy ends early, well, I'll just cross that bridge if I come to it. Worrying ceaselessly about the worst case scenarios is not helping. My mother thinks I'm crazy. I asked her if she worried about m/c when she was pregnant and she said that she didn't. I can't imagine being so blissfully unaware of all of the things that could possibly go wrong. I think I know too much.
But, I should just take a lesson from my own wedding. Some things that you DO worry about, don't happen. Like worrying that the flowers won't be delivered or that you won't fit into your dress on your wedding day. And then, there are some things that don't even occur to you to worry about, that happen anyway, like your limo exploding into flames en route to the church*:
But you know what? We still got married. And now we have an awesome story to tell. And worrying about all the things that could have gone wrong would have been pointless, because at a certain point, it's out of your control and you just have to have faith, and hope for the best.
So that's what I'm trying to do. Have faith. Be positive. Imagine that there will be a real live baby in January. And take lots of deep, even breaths. And just enjoy this new chapter.
* We were all fine, including my 8mo pregnant bridesmaid and the 4 year old flower girl, but had to run from the limo and to the church. In the rain. Luckily, we weren't that far away.
Or maybe it wouldn't. Sometimes, you just have to have faith that everything will go as it needs to. And if it means that this pregnancy ends early, well, I'll just cross that bridge if I come to it. Worrying ceaselessly about the worst case scenarios is not helping. My mother thinks I'm crazy. I asked her if she worried about m/c when she was pregnant and she said that she didn't. I can't imagine being so blissfully unaware of all of the things that could possibly go wrong. I think I know too much.
But, I should just take a lesson from my own wedding. Some things that you DO worry about, don't happen. Like worrying that the flowers won't be delivered or that you won't fit into your dress on your wedding day. And then, there are some things that don't even occur to you to worry about, that happen anyway, like your limo exploding into flames en route to the church*:
But you know what? We still got married. And now we have an awesome story to tell. And worrying about all the things that could have gone wrong would have been pointless, because at a certain point, it's out of your control and you just have to have faith, and hope for the best.
So that's what I'm trying to do. Have faith. Be positive. Imagine that there will be a real live baby in January. And take lots of deep, even breaths. And just enjoy this new chapter.
* We were all fine, including my 8mo pregnant bridesmaid and the 4 year old flower girl, but had to run from the limo and to the church. In the rain. Luckily, we weren't that far away.
Monday, April 30, 2007
There are no words to describe how I'm feeling right now
106.
I'm still shaking.
I don't even know what to say.
Today is our 2nd anniversary.
I feel so, so blessed.
**updated**
OK, I have calmed down a bit. Of course, this is good news, but we will still have to take it one day at a time. I have another beta scheduled for next Monday, and then we'll see where we are and what the next steps are. It seems so crazy that this is even happening. The fact that it is our 2nd anniversary makes it all the more surreal. I'll have to post about our anniversary tomorrow - there's a good story there about my limo blowing up en route to the church that would be fun to share with you all. But for today, I'm just in very very guarded awe.
I told my parents. Which was scary. If I verbalize it, it's more real. And that's scary. Like there's more to lose, like the higher I climb, the harder the fall would be. So my job will be to keep thinking positively. And not let the fear get to me. And just enjoy this, for however long it lasts.
I'm still shaking.
I don't even know what to say.
Today is our 2nd anniversary.
I feel so, so blessed.
**updated**
OK, I have calmed down a bit. Of course, this is good news, but we will still have to take it one day at a time. I have another beta scheduled for next Monday, and then we'll see where we are and what the next steps are. It seems so crazy that this is even happening. The fact that it is our 2nd anniversary makes it all the more surreal. I'll have to post about our anniversary tomorrow - there's a good story there about my limo blowing up en route to the church that would be fun to share with you all. But for today, I'm just in very very guarded awe.
I told my parents. Which was scary. If I verbalize it, it's more real. And that's scary. Like there's more to lose, like the higher I climb, the harder the fall would be. So my job will be to keep thinking positively. And not let the fear get to me. And just enjoy this, for however long it lasts.
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