Sitting Straight Up

The ultrasound was AMAZING. There is really a baby in there. One who was sitting up when we first got a look. The u/s tech laughed, and said that they don't see that very often. And then this baby curled into a little ball, making it very difficult to get all of the necessary measurements. But, oh, so incredibly cute to see those little hands right by the little feet.

Everything is perfect. Four chambers to the heart, two kidneys, everything measuring right on track, normal amniotic fluid levels, etc. We are thrilled.

And? It's a girl! Just as K had dreamed the other night. Just as my sister dreamed in the very beginning of the pregnancy. And just as I had been sensing over the past couple of weeks. We're going to have a daughter! We couldn't be more thrilled.

Belly Dancing

First, thanks for your advice about my calling M and H. I emailed H and apologized if I had come across as nosy and told her that they had been in my thoughts and I wanted her to know I was thinking about them. She emailed back and said it was okay, and that she would only start to get concerned if I was keeping track of her cycle on a calendar. So I think we're okay. I think next time, I will wait for them to bring it up, or send an email a few days later saying that I am thinking about them. That way, she can respond or not, but still know that I remember what they're going through.

Second, Women Use Belly Dancing, Other Techniques During Childbirth, Wall Street Journal Reports. Just in case you were wondering about this.

Meanwhile, I am anxiously awaiting our BIG ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I hope, hope, hope everything is going okay in there. Please be healthy and growing, little baby.

I am also dying of a terrible cold, for which I can take nothing. Ugh! I seriously think I have sneezed approximately 67 times, and have used a half box of Kleenex. By day's end, it's sure to be empty. If I last all day at work, that is...

Anyway, will update you tomorrow on the u/s results!

Not sure I did the right thing

So we have two friends, M and H, who have been trying to conceive for about 6 years. Although they had tried Clomid before, mostly they were just trying on their own and hoping things would align. Recently, though, they began to get serious about treatment and just had their first IUI two weeks ago. They shared all the details with us, and were excitedly talking about the multiples they were sure to have, and I swallowed my pessimism and was excited for them.

Well, of course two weeks has passed and we all know what that means. We hadn't talked about it, but I knew they were likely going in for a beta either Friday or Saturday, and would know either way. And I didn't want to be nosy and bug them, but I also wanted them to know that we remembered to and were thinking about them. So I called them tonight to see how they were doing and ended up asking if they knew anything yet, and tried to apologize if I was being too nosy, and I still don't know if I did the right thing by calling. It was negative, and they were having margaritas when I called.

So I feel awful about calling if they didn't feel like sharing the news, or talking about it at all. And I feel like a really nosy annoying friend. But I also didn't want them to feel like they were alone and wanted them to feel cared about. But, ugh, how awkward that conversation just was and how awkward I feel about having called.

If it was YOU, and you were friends with me (and we had talked lots about IF previously and you were one of the first to know that I was pregnant and that it was via Clomid) would you want me to call or have been irritated that I called? Would you have wanted me to wait until you called me? Or wanted me to send an email asking how you were? What should I have done here? Ugh.

Nuthin's shakin', bacon

I thought the second trimester was supposed to make me super horny. Unfortunately for my husband, that has definitely not happened yet. I am feeling better - no more nausea, not as tired all the time, but still not very interested in rolling around in bed. I wonder if the incredible stress of having to have sex right-this-very-second-or-we-will-miss-it has ruined it for me? And will my libido ever come back?

But in general, there's not a lot to update - everything is going smoothly as far as I can tell. The paranoia is pretty much gone, though I do have my moments. I'm hoping that when I begin to show more, that it will feel even more real to me, and I'll feel even more secure that everything is going to be fine. Clothes-wise, I'm in a weird limbo phase where my regular pants are super tight and uncomfortable, but I don't feel ready for maternity clothes yet, so I'm just trying to scrape by with anything I can find in my closet with an elastic waistband.

Although it is much much easier for me to see pregnant women and babies all over the place, I still feel a little jealous of them. Isn't that ridiculous? Because, duh. However, a friend of mine just called. She has a 10 month old who was conceived on the second month off the pill. And now, an oops! She's already 6 weeks along and just found out yesterday when she decided to take a test since she just wasn't feeling herself. I'm glad that they don't have to suffer through IF but, seriously?

I feel like the fact that this is a pregnancy after IF is some kind of secret I carry around with me. We had friends visiting this weekend and I was talking to one of them who asked me if the pregnancy was planned. I laughed. And then told her the whole long story of how very much planned this was. She was stunned. She couldn't imagine, would have had no idea, etc. Sometimes I feel like I should talk about it more, about how it wasn't easy for us to get pregnant, just to try to normalize IF a bit. But other times, I just want to forget all the tests and doctor's visits and just let this be as normal a pregnancy as possible.

Sorry I haven't been writing more, but really, there has (thankfully) not been much to write about. Our anatomy ultrasound is scheduled for three weeks (!) from now, and I'm very excited to see him or her again and to maybe even find out what flavor baby we're having. My husband thinks it's a boy, for ridiculous reasons, like the fact that I have eaten chicken wings several times recently. Because, see, HE likes chicken wings, so therefore, it MUST be a boy!

Update

I called the practice where we'll be going and told them I was feeling anxious and they let me come in for a heart rate check this afternoon. The midwife who saw me was so incredibly nice and kind and was not judgmental in the slightest about my paranoia. She happily asked how I had been feeling, answered my questions about constipation (or as K calls it, poo poo anxiety), and let me hear the heartbeat. Which was strong and clear and sounded just like a little choo-choo train.

I'm so, so happy. This little guy really is in there, and is growing away. It's such a freaking miracle. And I just feel so blessed.

I will admit to feeling awkward about blogging about this pregnancy. Especially about my last post. So many of you have struggled so hard for so long and I've been feeling a sense of survivor's guilt. Especially since this is a result of the first round of Clomid. Granted, there were two years of alternative treatments and a surgery before the Clomid, but still. I don't know why I've been lucky and others haven't. If I could wave a magic wand and eliminate infertility for all of my friends, both on the internets and in real life, I would do it in an instant. It is so incredibly unfair.

I'll keep writing for now, but I don't know if anyone wants to keep reading. I know it's hard for many of you. I know when I first started reading blogs I was alternately annoyed when I came across pregnancy after infertility blogs and happy that so many people seemed to eventually get pregnant. If some of you want to disappear, I completely understand.

12w5d

Thanks so much to those who have been checking in on me. Everything is going okay (I think), aside from my constant paranoia that something terrible has happened and I just don't know it yet. I even Googled "missed miscarriage" this morning. You know, just in case there was some symptom (there is not) that would tell me everything is either okay or not okay.

What is wrong with me? I am so grateful to be pregnant but I have a hard time being joyful about it since I am so terrified. I have thought about renting a doppler, but that scares me too. I'm worried that it will just heighten my anxiety, rather than reduce it.

Most of the time I am okay. This worry just sneaks up on me. The last ultrasound was two and a half weeks ago and everything was totally fine. So there's no apparent reason to worry. But I haven't gained ANY weight yet and I certainly don't look at all pregnant. Which can be normal, I know. But still I'm worried.

My first "real" OB appointment isn't until July 9, when I will be 14.5 weeks. It weirds me out that I haven't had one prenatal visit yet. I don't count my numerous dildocam visits as normal prenatal visits. Isn't someone supposed to tell me not to drink alcohol and what and what not to worry about and give me an information packet?

Anyway, that's mostly why I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say other than my worry, which comes across as complaining, and I certainly don't want to imply that I'm complaining about this pregnancy. I am not. It is truly a miracle and I feel so INCREDIBLY blessed to be here.

I am just so afraid that it's not real somehow. I wish every day for some kind of sign, like starting to show, or feeling the baby move, but I know it's too early for that. Maybe this period of time is supposed to be teaching me about faith. About trusting God/the Universe to protect this new life and to sustain me through this time of worry. About letting go of my need to control everything. And about rejoicing in the joy that is right now, the reality that is this moment.

Sigh of relief

It's been a looong two weeks or so since I last posted. I'm sorry for my absence, but it was necessary. For one week, I was away, first at a conference, and then at my Ph.D. graduation. For the other week, I was trying to stay away from the internet, and just needed to think only positive thoughts and not obsess over what was going on inside me.

You see, at that follow-up appointment two weeks ago, they saw a thick band of tissue (called a synechia) across the amniotic sac. And they couldn't tell if the baby was attached to it or not. And they couldn't tell if the baby was going to have enough room to grow or not. The radiologist herself even came in for the scan and left saying she wanted to see me again in two weeks, and that there was reason to hope. Which also meant that there was possibly reason to despair. If the baby was attached to the synechia, it would mean very very bad things.

So for the last two weeks, I've basically tried to sit on my hands, breathe deeply, not think about it as much as possible, etc. So I had to escape from blogland for that to be possible. I'm really sorry for leaving you all in the dark. Thank you so much all of you who were checking in on me. I really appreciate it.

Today was our follow-up ultrasound. I'm about 10.5 weeks. AND! The synechia was smaller and thinner, and the baby was not attached, and is growing appropriately, and even has arms and legs and was swimming around. And the radiologist didn't even need to come in and the tech said that she hoped not to see us again until 18 weeks. They think it's just going to continue to shrink and that it's going to be absolutely nothing to worry about. I can't even describe how relieved we are, how much tension we've been holding about this.

I finally feel like maybe I can relax a little and enjoy this more, and not worry that I'm going to jinx myself by thinking ahead to early January, when this baby will make his/her appearance. Only a couple more weeks until the end of the first trimester, when I can breathe another sigh of relief, but I really feel like everything is going to be okay now. And I am insanely grateful.

We still have to meet with the high-risk OB practice on Wednesday, but I'm hoping it's just going to be a cursory consult, and that we can finally get transferred to a normal OB practice. I am beyond ready to just be normal.

And now, off to find out what's been going on with all of YOU!
(I think my Bloglines has something like 150 new feeds, so it might take me a while to catch up!)