This morning, much to my utter shock, I had a positive OPK. I held it up to K and asked if he thought the lines were the same color. He did. And then when I told him what it meant he did a little jumping up and down dance. With glee in his eyes. Probably because he knows he's getting very very lucky for the next few days.
Because I have ovulated less than 3 times in the past 2 years, I had never seen a positive OPK before. What a beautiful sight. Who knew my ovaries can actually ovulate?
And the Surge (as they call it in my clinic) was confirmed this morning. The nurse just called with my bloodwork results - E2 554, LH 68, P4 1.4.
Oh, and the wanding! I know you're all dying to hear about that part. Sadly, it was not as exciting as I hoped. The tech didn't show me what she was looking at - the screen was turned away from me - so I didn't get to peer at my insides myself. I did ask if she saw any follicles and she said that she did - several small ones and one big one.
When I sat on the exam table and saw the wand, I wanted to bust out laughing because all I could think was "dildo cam! dildo cam! dildo cam!". Because, you know, that is EXACTLY what it looks like. The tech handed it to me, covered in condom and goo, and said, "insert it like you would a .... tampon". I swear there was a pause there and I KNOW she wanted to say, "like a dildo". Because that is what I would have wanted to say.
So we're off to have timed intercourse. Mmm, how sexy that sounds. And I start the progesterone suppositories tomorrow night. Even sexier. And then, well, we hope.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Twiddling thumbs
Every OPK has been negative. Tomorrow morning I go in for a scan to see WTF, if anything, is going on in there.
I confess that I am a wand virgin. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, they could see the pretty little cysts from the regular u/s, so skipped the wanding part. And this is my first monitored cycle.
[Side note: Who coined wanding? I love it. It makes it feel magical. Like a fairy princess. If only sticking a wand in there would POOF make a baby.]
Last night, I was skipping around, singing "they're gonna stick a camera up there, doo dah, doo dah, they're gonna stick a camera up there, oh, the doo dah day." I did this while K was using mouthwash. Which he promptly spit all over the place, laughing at me.
But really. It IS sort of cool. I know it will not be pleasant, but it will be SO much better to have an inkling of a clue about what my ovaries are up to. I'll update tomorrow and let you know. My guess is that they saw the Clo.mid and LAUGHED at it. Bitches.
I confess that I am a wand virgin. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, they could see the pretty little cysts from the regular u/s, so skipped the wanding part. And this is my first monitored cycle.
[Side note: Who coined wanding? I love it. It makes it feel magical. Like a fairy princess. If only sticking a wand in there would POOF make a baby.]
Last night, I was skipping around, singing "they're gonna stick a camera up there, doo dah, doo dah, they're gonna stick a camera up there, oh, the doo dah day." I did this while K was using mouthwash. Which he promptly spit all over the place, laughing at me.
But really. It IS sort of cool. I know it will not be pleasant, but it will be SO much better to have an inkling of a clue about what my ovaries are up to. I'll update tomorrow and let you know. My guess is that they saw the Clo.mid and LAUGHED at it. Bitches.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Unlikely comrade
Yesterday, K and I met with a financial planner. Which was great. I feel so unburdened, knowing that he's going to draw up a plan for us that we can live with, that will help keep us financially secure now and in the future.
At one point in the meeting, he talked about our goals. I said, "well, we'd like to have children, so we'd want to plan for their futures". He smiled a somewhat (I thought) tortured smile and said, "well, I won't write that down for now. I wouldn't want to jinx anything."
I realized that we hadn't said anything about our IF struggles. And, then, I noticed several framed baby photos of twins. I understood that he knew what it was like be infertile. Maybe it is him and his wife. Maybe not - the pictures were in the general conference room, not his office. So maybe a colleague, a sibling, or a friend.
Or maybe he's just very sensitive and the twins photos were a coincidence. But it felt like such a breath of kindness. To have someone understand the hope and the fear. Not wanting to put it on paper. Not wanting to risk the hope.
-----------------------
In other news, I finished the Clo.mid last night. Does the fact that I didn't have any side effects (a little hot at night, but not too bad) mean that it's not going to work?
At one point in the meeting, he talked about our goals. I said, "well, we'd like to have children, so we'd want to plan for their futures". He smiled a somewhat (I thought) tortured smile and said, "well, I won't write that down for now. I wouldn't want to jinx anything."
I realized that we hadn't said anything about our IF struggles. And, then, I noticed several framed baby photos of twins. I understood that he knew what it was like be infertile. Maybe it is him and his wife. Maybe not - the pictures were in the general conference room, not his office. So maybe a colleague, a sibling, or a friend.
Or maybe he's just very sensitive and the twins photos were a coincidence. But it felt like such a breath of kindness. To have someone understand the hope and the fear. Not wanting to put it on paper. Not wanting to risk the hope.
-----------------------
In other news, I finished the Clo.mid last night. Does the fact that I didn't have any side effects (a little hot at night, but not too bad) mean that it's not going to work?
Monday, April 2, 2007
so far, so good, i guess
I've had 2 doses of Clo.mid and haven't erupted into crying jags or been bowled over by headaches and hot flashes. Yet.
I do have to get something off my chest, though. My very good friend just called. Last fall, she was emailing me about how she was frustrated that she was having a really hard time getting pregnant with number 3. She knows about what I'm going through. I totally sympathized with her, since I know secondary (tertiary?) infertility can be just as hard to deal with. It's been a while since I talked to her. Last time was before my surgery. She had just returned from visiting friends of theirs who have three kids, one of which was a newborn. I commiserated that it must have been hard for her. She demurred, changed the subject and I felt slightly blown off.
So she just called and it turns out she's 6 months pregnant with a girl (her other 2 are boys), due in June. She said she didn't want to tell me before my surgery. What the hell? Seriously?
And I'm so incredibly jealous. Especially since she also told me that they just bought a new house in a great school district and how they're going to buy a minivan, etc etc etc. I hate feeling jealous. I really really do. But I am green with envy over here. Ugh.
(Note: I don't want a minivan. I think they are hideous and tacky. But I want to have to buy one. I think you understand.)
I am really happy for her, and I know she's thrilled, and deservedly so. And she and her husband are wonderful people and great parents and I am really, truly, happy for them.
But I am so, so sad for myself. When is the magic wish-granting fairy coming to MY house?
I do have to get something off my chest, though. My very good friend just called. Last fall, she was emailing me about how she was frustrated that she was having a really hard time getting pregnant with number 3. She knows about what I'm going through. I totally sympathized with her, since I know secondary (tertiary?) infertility can be just as hard to deal with. It's been a while since I talked to her. Last time was before my surgery. She had just returned from visiting friends of theirs who have three kids, one of which was a newborn. I commiserated that it must have been hard for her. She demurred, changed the subject and I felt slightly blown off.
So she just called and it turns out she's 6 months pregnant with a girl (her other 2 are boys), due in June. She said she didn't want to tell me before my surgery. What the hell? Seriously?
And I'm so incredibly jealous. Especially since she also told me that they just bought a new house in a great school district and how they're going to buy a minivan, etc etc etc. I hate feeling jealous. I really really do. But I am green with envy over here. Ugh.
(Note: I don't want a minivan. I think they are hideous and tacky. But I want to have to buy one. I think you understand.)
I am really happy for her, and I know she's thrilled, and deservedly so. And she and her husband are wonderful people and great parents and I am really, truly, happy for them.
But I am so, so sad for myself. When is the magic wish-granting fairy coming to MY house?
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
CD 0.5
My clinic only counts CD1 when the flow starts before noon. So since it started at 1pm today, CD1 is tomorrow. But, oh, how glad I am to see her! It's ridiculous, isn't it? That I would be thrilled to get my period? This IF business really turns things upside down. I'm sure you other PCOSers know how I feel.
So this means I can actually cycle this month. For the FIRST TIME EVER. I have been waiting almost 2 years to take Clomid. Which also seems ridiculous. Ms. C describes the hell of IF-waiting really well in her recent post, and it's so true. Amazing how long it takes to get going. I think of all the friends who started trying way after me and are now playing with their babies. But I won't even go there. I'm trying to stay positive these days.
So hang tight. Saturday will be my first Clomid pill (50mg) and I have no idea what to expect. Maybe nothing. My body is not exactly cooperative when it comes to ovulating! And maybe something. Just maybe, there will be something.
So this means I can actually cycle this month. For the FIRST TIME EVER. I have been waiting almost 2 years to take Clomid. Which also seems ridiculous. Ms. C describes the hell of IF-waiting really well in her recent post, and it's so true. Amazing how long it takes to get going. I think of all the friends who started trying way after me and are now playing with their babies. But I won't even go there. I'm trying to stay positive these days.
So hang tight. Saturday will be my first Clomid pill (50mg) and I have no idea what to expect. Maybe nothing. My body is not exactly cooperative when it comes to ovulating! And maybe something. Just maybe, there will be something.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I'm baaa-aaack
Vacation in Cancun was wonderful. I'll post some pics when I finally upload them from the camera, but it was so nice to be in the warmth and go swimming and not have to worry about anything. I even managed to not think too too much about this cycle.
K and I were able to take a day away from his family and do our own thing, which involved me getting us into a typical (for me) Latin American adventure. I read about a great island off the coast to visit, where we can arrange to go snorkeling. Great! We figured out what bus we needed to take to the ferry dock and are merrily on our way.
We get to the ferry dock and this guy calls K and me over to a map of the island, where he's talking to two Mexican women tourists. He describes where to go snorkeling, etc. and then says he will arrange everything. Before I know what's going on, I'm standing in a hut next to the ferry terminal, paying for an all-day "tour". We're going to get a "private" boat over to the island, and they will arrange snorkeling and lunch. Okay, right?
We sit around, sit around, waiting for the private boat. Clearly, they're trying to scare up some more business before taking us out. I start to get irritated and tell them that we want to just take the ferry, which is about to leave. They say, no no, no, we're leaving right now. So K, me, and the 2 women clamber into a ramshackle boat, and take off, over big waves, to the island. Our "private boat" takes twice as long as the ferry.
When we finally get to the snorkeling place, we see a lot of other snorkelers there. The guide gives us a mask and breathing tube but no flippers. He said it was too shallow for flippers.
I start off snorkeling, following all of the other snorkelers, who are swimming towards a big lighthouse, quite a ways from the boat. All of the other snorkelers are swimming with guides. All of the other snorkelers have flippers. But, la la la I go, looking at all the pretty fish. K tells me he thinks we're swimming too far away, but I ignore him and keep looking at the fish. When I finally start looking around, I realize that I'm out by the lighthouse, K is nowhere in sight, all of the other snorkelers are getting onto boats that have just picked them up, my boat is nowhere in sight, and OH YEAH, there's an insanely strong current pushing me in the opposite direction of my boat. I start swimming, HARD. I am getting nowhere. I start to worry a little. Then I start to worry a lot. One of the guides from another group asks where my guide is, and where my flippers are. I say I have neither. He looks at me incredulously. He tells me it is physically impossible to swim back and that it being too shallow for flippers is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. He then has me climb up onto their very fancy catamaran boat, talking all kinds of shit about my guide, and they drive me back to my piece-of-crap boat.
When I finally get back to my boat, after the rescue, K is sitting in the boat fuming. He also was rescued by another boat and was some combination of angry (that I didn't stop looking at fish to look around for him and because he was calling me trying to get me onto the other boat) and worried (that I would be washed out to sea and that he couldn't tell the guide what was going on since he doesn't speak Spanish) about me. Our guide? Says absolutely nothing. Doesn't even look concerned!
So away we go to a restaurant where we had the option of swimming with a shark. We didn't take them up on it, but they had this poor cat shark penned up in the water outside the restaurant. Craziness. We did have a delicious lunch of local, fresh caught, and fresh grilled, fish, and K learned about a new drink that involves Corona and a half glass of lemon juice, and the rest of the day was perfectly lovely. The two women in the boat with us were sweet and interesting, and since they didn't speak English, I got to speak more Spanish that I have in years, which was wonderful. And at the end of the day, we headed back to the mainland with our guide, who was driving the boat while downing a rum and Coke.
It was great to be on vacation. It was just what we needed. And I'm even energized (a little) about work and am really ready to start this IF treatment cycle. My father-in-law (an ob/gyn) removed my bellybutton stitches this weekend (on his hotel bed, with a pair of tweezers and nail scissors!!). I finished the Pro.vera and am now on period watch. If she doesn't flow in the next day or so, this cycle's going to be out, but I'm really really hoping we're going to be able to move forward, so please think good flowy thoughts (is that gross?) for me!
K and I were able to take a day away from his family and do our own thing, which involved me getting us into a typical (for me) Latin American adventure. I read about a great island off the coast to visit, where we can arrange to go snorkeling. Great! We figured out what bus we needed to take to the ferry dock and are merrily on our way.
We get to the ferry dock and this guy calls K and me over to a map of the island, where he's talking to two Mexican women tourists. He describes where to go snorkeling, etc. and then says he will arrange everything. Before I know what's going on, I'm standing in a hut next to the ferry terminal, paying for an all-day "tour". We're going to get a "private" boat over to the island, and they will arrange snorkeling and lunch. Okay, right?
We sit around, sit around, waiting for the private boat. Clearly, they're trying to scare up some more business before taking us out. I start to get irritated and tell them that we want to just take the ferry, which is about to leave. They say, no no, no, we're leaving right now. So K, me, and the 2 women clamber into a ramshackle boat, and take off, over big waves, to the island. Our "private boat" takes twice as long as the ferry.
When we finally get to the snorkeling place, we see a lot of other snorkelers there. The guide gives us a mask and breathing tube but no flippers. He said it was too shallow for flippers.
I start off snorkeling, following all of the other snorkelers, who are swimming towards a big lighthouse, quite a ways from the boat. All of the other snorkelers are swimming with guides. All of the other snorkelers have flippers. But, la la la I go, looking at all the pretty fish. K tells me he thinks we're swimming too far away, but I ignore him and keep looking at the fish. When I finally start looking around, I realize that I'm out by the lighthouse, K is nowhere in sight, all of the other snorkelers are getting onto boats that have just picked them up, my boat is nowhere in sight, and OH YEAH, there's an insanely strong current pushing me in the opposite direction of my boat. I start swimming, HARD. I am getting nowhere. I start to worry a little. Then I start to worry a lot. One of the guides from another group asks where my guide is, and where my flippers are. I say I have neither. He looks at me incredulously. He tells me it is physically impossible to swim back and that it being too shallow for flippers is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. He then has me climb up onto their very fancy catamaran boat, talking all kinds of shit about my guide, and they drive me back to my piece-of-crap boat.
When I finally get back to my boat, after the rescue, K is sitting in the boat fuming. He also was rescued by another boat and was some combination of angry (that I didn't stop looking at fish to look around for him and because he was calling me trying to get me onto the other boat) and worried (that I would be washed out to sea and that he couldn't tell the guide what was going on since he doesn't speak Spanish) about me. Our guide? Says absolutely nothing. Doesn't even look concerned!
So away we go to a restaurant where we had the option of swimming with a shark. We didn't take them up on it, but they had this poor cat shark penned up in the water outside the restaurant. Craziness. We did have a delicious lunch of local, fresh caught, and fresh grilled, fish, and K learned about a new drink that involves Corona and a half glass of lemon juice, and the rest of the day was perfectly lovely. The two women in the boat with us were sweet and interesting, and since they didn't speak English, I got to speak more Spanish that I have in years, which was wonderful. And at the end of the day, we headed back to the mainland with our guide, who was driving the boat while downing a rum and Coke.
It was great to be on vacation. It was just what we needed. And I'm even energized (a little) about work and am really ready to start this IF treatment cycle. My father-in-law (an ob/gyn) removed my bellybutton stitches this weekend (on his hotel bed, with a pair of tweezers and nail scissors!!). I finished the Pro.vera and am now on period watch. If she doesn't flow in the next day or so, this cycle's going to be out, but I'm really really hoping we're going to be able to move forward, so please think good flowy thoughts (is that gross?) for me!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Hanging up my thermometer
Never mind what I said yesterday. There was no ovulation. Why do I STILL keep kidding myself that my body is going to perform as expected? I forgot to take the Pro.vera last night and low and behold my temp was back low again this morning. So no ovulation. And I discovered that yes, Pro.vera = high temps, crampy feelings, slightly tender BBs. Duh. It is progesterone, after all.
I hereby vow to find a super secret hiding place for the thermometer, where I won't be tempted by it. Like maybe tucked into a box in the basement with my copy of TCOYF. And now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that my period shows asap so we don't have to cancel our very first cycle.
In other news, I'm off to Cancun early tomorrow morning for a long weekend vacation with K and my in-laws, which will be very nice and much needed. And my belly button is even presentable enough now for a bikini (well, as long as no one is looking deep into it!). I'll be lying on the beach, sipping daiquiris, and thinking good thoughts for all of you. Be well.
I hereby vow to find a super secret hiding place for the thermometer, where I won't be tempted by it. Like maybe tucked into a box in the basement with my copy of TCOYF. And now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that my period shows asap so we don't have to cancel our very first cycle.
In other news, I'm off to Cancun early tomorrow morning for a long weekend vacation with K and my in-laws, which will be very nice and much needed. And my belly button is even presentable enough now for a bikini (well, as long as no one is looking deep into it!). I'll be lying on the beach, sipping daiquiris, and thinking good thoughts for all of you. Be well.
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