31 Weeks

I'm still here! I haven't been posting (obviously) and haven't been commenting, either. Just reading along with what's been going on with all of you. Cheering for you when congratulations are in order, and feeling very sad for you when condolences are in order. I just haven't been actually putting my hands on the keyboard to share those feelings.

In part, it's because I don't really know what to write. It's hard to share all my happy feelings about this pregnancy and all the physical discomforts that come along with it, when I know those words are hard to read for many of you. And maybe it's hard to write because I sometimes still feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen, even though I have no reason to believe that something will. The whole "once infertile, always paranoid" conundrum.

All of that aside, I will share with you one interesting/gross/painful pregnancy side effect that I have been wanting to blog about, in the off chance that you experience this as well. I have a vulvar varicose vein. And this thing is HUGE. MY VAGINA HURTS A LOT. This may be too graphic, but it's a large, blue, rope-like vein that runs along the labia. Add to that major swelling and pain in the whole area, throw in many bruise-like spider veins on my thighs, and you will know immediately that there is no sex happening in my household. Wearing this has helped, but the pain still takes my breath away when I stand up after sitting for a while. Plus, the lacy jock strap contraption adds to the unsexiness of my nether regions. I am hoping and hoping that this resolves after the baby is born, but know that if I'm lucky enough to have a second pregnancy that it could get even worse.

But really, that is my ONLY complaint. I am getting tireder, wake up to pee a lot, and have the odd ache or pain in my back or legs, but those aren't even worth mentioning. Because above all, it is the sheer amazement of this pregnancy that is the dominant emotion. It still seems so surreal, even though this baby will be in my arms in two months. January seems simultaneously far away and right around the corner.

We've been taking Bradley Method birthing classes, which have been fabulous. I really want to have this baby as naturally as possible and the classes have helped to confirm that desire and to give us tools for the actual labor and delivery. And we have a doula too, who is a friend of mine from my yoga class, so I really feel prepared. Of course this will probably mean that I will end up needing an emergency c-section, since nature likes to laugh at the prepared.

Best of all is when this baby moves around. She seems to prefer my right side, and I love feeling the little lump of baby hanging out under my ribs. We are so excited to meet her.

I don't know how much more posting I will do in the coming weeks. I will definitely post an update after her birth to introduce this little Clomid baby. But then I'm not sure what will happen with this blog. I will definitely keep it up in case something I've experienced can be helpful to someone else. But I'm not sure I will continue blogging. I will still be around, though, checking in on all of you. And will be sending all my wishes and prayers that your infertility journeys come to swift and happy endings.