Sunday, July 29, 2007

Not sure I did the right thing

So we have two friends, M and H, who have been trying to conceive for about 6 years. Although they had tried Clomid before, mostly they were just trying on their own and hoping things would align. Recently, though, they began to get serious about treatment and just had their first IUI two weeks ago. They shared all the details with us, and were excitedly talking about the multiples they were sure to have, and I swallowed my pessimism and was excited for them.

Well, of course two weeks has passed and we all know what that means. We hadn't talked about it, but I knew they were likely going in for a beta either Friday or Saturday, and would know either way. And I didn't want to be nosy and bug them, but I also wanted them to know that we remembered to and were thinking about them. So I called them tonight to see how they were doing and ended up asking if they knew anything yet, and tried to apologize if I was being too nosy, and I still don't know if I did the right thing by calling. It was negative, and they were having margaritas when I called.

So I feel awful about calling if they didn't feel like sharing the news, or talking about it at all. And I feel like a really nosy annoying friend. But I also didn't want them to feel like they were alone and wanted them to feel cared about. But, ugh, how awkward that conversation just was and how awkward I feel about having called.

If it was YOU, and you were friends with me (and we had talked lots about IF previously and you were one of the first to know that I was pregnant and that it was via Clomid) would you want me to call or have been irritated that I called? Would you have wanted me to wait until you called me? Or wanted me to send an email asking how you were? What should I have done here? Ugh.

13 comments:

Kirsten said...

Honestly, I think you did the right thing...if you guys had talked about it before and you knew that test day had come, then I think it shows that you were thinking about her and concerned. I feel like if she shared all of that information with you to begin with, she probably appreciated the call. I would have done the same thing :)

Baby Blues said...

You did the right thing. If I told you what we've been going through, which means I trust you, I would want you to ask how it went. I'd feel hurt if you just pretend I never mentioned it. It's not being nosy, it's being a good friend who sincerely cares. It may seem awkward at first, but it's the right thing to do. It showed you were thinking of them and wishing them well.

SaraS-P said...

I have certain friends who I regularly share results with (good or bad), and I have always been glad to have someone to share with.

I would think your friends took your phone call as concern and involvement rather than nosiness. It is your way of showing you care about the results and want the best for them.

megan said...

i too think you did the right thing. baby blues sums it up perfectly...i think what is most important is that you showed that you remembered and were thinking about them. you can wait for a few more days to go by and approach her again, telling her how you feel and how you weren't certian if calling was the best thing...

ultimatejourney said...

I agree with the others -- if your friend shared her cycle info, she probably wanted you to think of her, and calling shows you did just that.

My Reality said...

I think your concern for your friend is a good thing. Hopefully, she thought so too.

Jess said...

I think you did the right thing, too. I would have been miffed if you HADN'T called, but also...honestly...I might have been a little miffed that you did, too, because it's hard when something works for a friend and not for you. Mostly because it's hard when something doesn't work.

But I think that in the long run, and more than anything, showing you cared is more important than the other bit. Really.

Sarah said...

it's always better to offer your support and risk it not being accepted than to be silent and absent. they know you're there for them and that they can turn to you if they decide they want to at any point. i was more hurt by people who acted like nothing was going on than i was by awkward conversations.

Karen said...

I don't think you did the wrong thing. What I might have suggested would have been a more subtle approach... to have called and said, "I'm thinking of you and just wanted you to know I'm here for you," rather than directly asking if she'd gotten results. That would have left her open to share if she was ready, but not if she wasn't ready. However, had I been her, I would not have been the least bit offended at your phone call or your approach.

If you're really concerned about it, wait a week or two and bring it up with her... tell her you're concerned that you didn't bring it up in the right way and ask HER how she'd like you to approach such things in the future. She'll probably appreciate your sensitivity.

Ann said...

For me, it depends how close I am with the friend--and also whether that friend understands about IF. In this case, you knew what it was like to be in trenches, so you would have been off the hook in my book.

I had a similar scenario before we got our BFP: My friend J has been trying for her second for almost 2 years. She would regularly call/e-mail me when she knew we were at an important point in our cycle. When she found out it was bad news, she wouldn't dwell on it but would allow me to take the lead.

I think what you did is perfectly fine. Awkward, yes, but fine.

Also, on a different note--I noticed that Baby Blues commented above. I used to read her blog, but when I tried to go back for an update, I discovered it was password-only. Could you possibly contact her to ask if I could get the password? Thanks!

Ann said...

Never mind--I did it myself! Sorry!

Natalie said...

I was always very touched when people who knew what I was going through asked how things were going.

ellie said...

I think it depends on the couple and how they handle the bad news- we have adapted a "it's negative unless we tell you otherwise" stance with our friends and family-- and it's not that we don't trust them or want to talk about it- but telling bad news to 3 or 5 or even 10 people-- is just plain hard- especially when we'd hoped otherwise- so we set up the method above so we wouldn't have to talk about it.

In light of our last week- we are pretty grateful we have friends who were really great about giving us a few days to cry before trying to chat with us- but we had an unusually crappy week. One friend showed up at our house handed us a cooked dinner and didn't say a thing, didn't stay to visit- just made sure we had food and let us do our thing.

I'd say if they are going to be trying again-- ask them how they want to handle it. It will make a big difference as they get further into the process.