Update

I called the practice where we'll be going and told them I was feeling anxious and they let me come in for a heart rate check this afternoon. The midwife who saw me was so incredibly nice and kind and was not judgmental in the slightest about my paranoia. She happily asked how I had been feeling, answered my questions about constipation (or as K calls it, poo poo anxiety), and let me hear the heartbeat. Which was strong and clear and sounded just like a little choo-choo train.

I'm so, so happy. This little guy really is in there, and is growing away. It's such a freaking miracle. And I just feel so blessed.

I will admit to feeling awkward about blogging about this pregnancy. Especially about my last post. So many of you have struggled so hard for so long and I've been feeling a sense of survivor's guilt. Especially since this is a result of the first round of Clomid. Granted, there were two years of alternative treatments and a surgery before the Clomid, but still. I don't know why I've been lucky and others haven't. If I could wave a magic wand and eliminate infertility for all of my friends, both on the internets and in real life, I would do it in an instant. It is so incredibly unfair.

I'll keep writing for now, but I don't know if anyone wants to keep reading. I know it's hard for many of you. I know when I first started reading blogs I was alternately annoyed when I came across pregnancy after infertility blogs and happy that so many people seemed to eventually get pregnant. If some of you want to disappear, I completely understand.

12w5d

Thanks so much to those who have been checking in on me. Everything is going okay (I think), aside from my constant paranoia that something terrible has happened and I just don't know it yet. I even Googled "missed miscarriage" this morning. You know, just in case there was some symptom (there is not) that would tell me everything is either okay or not okay.

What is wrong with me? I am so grateful to be pregnant but I have a hard time being joyful about it since I am so terrified. I have thought about renting a doppler, but that scares me too. I'm worried that it will just heighten my anxiety, rather than reduce it.

Most of the time I am okay. This worry just sneaks up on me. The last ultrasound was two and a half weeks ago and everything was totally fine. So there's no apparent reason to worry. But I haven't gained ANY weight yet and I certainly don't look at all pregnant. Which can be normal, I know. But still I'm worried.

My first "real" OB appointment isn't until July 9, when I will be 14.5 weeks. It weirds me out that I haven't had one prenatal visit yet. I don't count my numerous dildocam visits as normal prenatal visits. Isn't someone supposed to tell me not to drink alcohol and what and what not to worry about and give me an information packet?

Anyway, that's mostly why I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say other than my worry, which comes across as complaining, and I certainly don't want to imply that I'm complaining about this pregnancy. I am not. It is truly a miracle and I feel so INCREDIBLY blessed to be here.

I am just so afraid that it's not real somehow. I wish every day for some kind of sign, like starting to show, or feeling the baby move, but I know it's too early for that. Maybe this period of time is supposed to be teaching me about faith. About trusting God/the Universe to protect this new life and to sustain me through this time of worry. About letting go of my need to control everything. And about rejoicing in the joy that is right now, the reality that is this moment.

Sigh of relief

It's been a looong two weeks or so since I last posted. I'm sorry for my absence, but it was necessary. For one week, I was away, first at a conference, and then at my Ph.D. graduation. For the other week, I was trying to stay away from the internet, and just needed to think only positive thoughts and not obsess over what was going on inside me.

You see, at that follow-up appointment two weeks ago, they saw a thick band of tissue (called a synechia) across the amniotic sac. And they couldn't tell if the baby was attached to it or not. And they couldn't tell if the baby was going to have enough room to grow or not. The radiologist herself even came in for the scan and left saying she wanted to see me again in two weeks, and that there was reason to hope. Which also meant that there was possibly reason to despair. If the baby was attached to the synechia, it would mean very very bad things.

So for the last two weeks, I've basically tried to sit on my hands, breathe deeply, not think about it as much as possible, etc. So I had to escape from blogland for that to be possible. I'm really sorry for leaving you all in the dark. Thank you so much all of you who were checking in on me. I really appreciate it.

Today was our follow-up ultrasound. I'm about 10.5 weeks. AND! The synechia was smaller and thinner, and the baby was not attached, and is growing appropriately, and even has arms and legs and was swimming around. And the radiologist didn't even need to come in and the tech said that she hoped not to see us again until 18 weeks. They think it's just going to continue to shrink and that it's going to be absolutely nothing to worry about. I can't even describe how relieved we are, how much tension we've been holding about this.

I finally feel like maybe I can relax a little and enjoy this more, and not worry that I'm going to jinx myself by thinking ahead to early January, when this baby will make his/her appearance. Only a couple more weeks until the end of the first trimester, when I can breathe another sigh of relief, but I really feel like everything is going to be okay now. And I am insanely grateful.

We still have to meet with the high-risk OB practice on Wednesday, but I'm hoping it's just going to be a cursory consult, and that we can finally get transferred to a normal OB practice. I am beyond ready to just be normal.

And now, off to find out what's been going on with all of YOU!
(I think my Bloglines has something like 150 new feeds, so it might take me a while to catch up!)