Friday, June 29, 2007

Update

I called the practice where we'll be going and told them I was feeling anxious and they let me come in for a heart rate check this afternoon. The midwife who saw me was so incredibly nice and kind and was not judgmental in the slightest about my paranoia. She happily asked how I had been feeling, answered my questions about constipation (or as K calls it, poo poo anxiety), and let me hear the heartbeat. Which was strong and clear and sounded just like a little choo-choo train.

I'm so, so happy. This little guy really is in there, and is growing away. It's such a freaking miracle. And I just feel so blessed.

I will admit to feeling awkward about blogging about this pregnancy. Especially about my last post. So many of you have struggled so hard for so long and I've been feeling a sense of survivor's guilt. Especially since this is a result of the first round of Clomid. Granted, there were two years of alternative treatments and a surgery before the Clomid, but still. I don't know why I've been lucky and others haven't. If I could wave a magic wand and eliminate infertility for all of my friends, both on the internets and in real life, I would do it in an instant. It is so incredibly unfair.

I'll keep writing for now, but I don't know if anyone wants to keep reading. I know it's hard for many of you. I know when I first started reading blogs I was alternately annoyed when I came across pregnancy after infertility blogs and happy that so many people seemed to eventually get pregnant. If some of you want to disappear, I completely understand.

12 comments:

ultimatejourney said...

Don't go! I want to know how things are going with you. I imagine it's an awkward transition, but people who were reading your blog before you got your BFP know to stop reading if they are going to be upset. If you are worried about people who stumble onto your blog, you could always update some prominent part of your blog to reflect your change in status. But you should be celebrating your pregnancy -- you've been through a lot, and you deserve to be happy.

My Reality said...

I agree with ultimatejourney - you need to celebrate this pregnancy. And some of us would like to celebrate with you.

Jess said...

As someone who did the whole bit through natural ttc to IVF, I really want to say that seriously...people want to keep reading. For those still trying, it's hope, and everyone hates it when a story just DROPS. You know?

I'd hate to see you go, too!! Don't feel guilty about being pg, no matter how you got there...you earned it because you wanted it.

Glad you got some reassurance about baby, too!! :)

Kirsten said...

I'm so glad the little one is doing well!!
And I know how you feel about deciding to keep on posting or even what to post and what not to post. I am glad that you will keep writing! I am pretty sure I lost some readers when I got pregnant but I completely understand. Those that are still there, I hope are getting hope from my story and I think yours will be the same.
Have a great week!

Ann said...

Yes, it was the first round of Clomid, but that doesn't mean it wasn't just as hard for you as it was for everyone else.

The IF world needs pregnancy blogs to show that there is hope. If all the happily-ever-after IF-ers stopped blogging, then surfers would get the mistaken assumption that there are no happy endings. That can be pretty depressing. I love seeing that you have an update, because I know that it will probably cheer me up a bit. If I'm in a bad mood, the last thing I want to do is read about how bad it can really get. I want to read about the good stories.

SaraS-P said...

Oh, I love preg after IF blogs. Where else will I get hope?

Equipoise said...

The wonderful thing about us IF readers is that we understand the anxiety and don't expect it to go away once you do get pregnant. I am so happy for you! Your "little guy" gives me hope that this will happen for me. I, for one, am not going anywhere.
Glad you heard a strong heartbeat and had some anxiety relieved for the time being.
xx

D&E said...

No guilt required. AT ALL! Think about it a different way. Your successes give everybody else reassured hope. It can be done! and it will be done! Congratulations to you.

The Apex Practice said...

Congratulations. I concur with everything that has been said already. A 1992 study suggests that diagnosis with infertility causes a similar level of stress to that caused by diagnosis with HIV and cancer. So it's a good time to cut yourself some slack, relax and look forward to your forthcoming baby. Have you given some thought to the birth? Do you know about HypnoBirthing?

Bumble said...

So glad to hear everything's going so well with the little bub. And don't feel guilty, you deserve every minute of it. x

Sarah said...

keep blogging!!! i had a lot of survivor's guilt too. it's hard, i feel so deeply for my whole infertile community after all the hoping we've done for each other and it feels so unfair. but of course the dream is for all of us to get pregnant, and i'm so very happy for yours! besides, blogland would be a very depressing place if there were no success stories being told.

Karen said...

I've been checking in every few days ever since this post, hoping for an update. I wish you'd keep blogging... really! I hope everything is okay and that no news is really good news.