Thanks so much to those who have been checking in on me. Everything is going okay (I think), aside from my constant paranoia that something terrible has happened and I just don't know it yet. I even Googled "missed miscarriage" this morning. You know, just in case there was some symptom (there is not) that would tell me everything is either okay or not okay.
What is wrong with me? I am so grateful to be pregnant but I have a hard time being joyful about it since I am so terrified. I have thought about renting a doppler, but that scares me too. I'm worried that it will just heighten my anxiety, rather than reduce it.
Most of the time I am okay. This worry just sneaks up on me. The last ultrasound was two and a half weeks ago and everything was totally fine. So there's no apparent reason to worry. But I haven't gained ANY weight yet and I certainly don't look at all pregnant. Which can be normal, I know. But still I'm worried.
My first "real" OB appointment isn't until July 9, when I will be 14.5 weeks. It weirds me out that I haven't had one prenatal visit yet. I don't count my numerous dildocam visits as normal prenatal visits. Isn't someone supposed to tell me not to drink alcohol and what and what not to worry about and give me an information packet?
Anyway, that's mostly why I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say other than my worry, which comes across as complaining, and I certainly don't want to imply that I'm complaining about this pregnancy. I am not. It is truly a miracle and I feel so INCREDIBLY blessed to be here.
I am just so afraid that it's not real somehow. I wish every day for some kind of sign, like starting to show, or feeling the baby move, but I know it's too early for that. Maybe this period of time is supposed to be teaching me about faith. About trusting God/the Universe to protect this new life and to sustain me through this time of worry. About letting go of my need to control everything. And about rejoicing in the joy that is right now, the reality that is this moment.
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Still searching the skies for that stork to appear with my baby dangling precariously from its beak.
About Me
- carrie
- an adorable girl (30) and her adorable husband (33). and the adorable cats (boo and nelly). but no adorable baby. and therein lies the rub. Now pregnant with a baby girl, due Jan 08!
Blogs I stalk
- A little pregnant
- All I Need Is One Good Egg
- Baby Blues
- Blonde Ambitions
- Blurb This!
- Dinner Table Talk... I Think Not
- Disenchanted with Reality
- Dooce
- Exile in Kidville
- Expecting a Baby, Someday
- Finding Equipoise
- For the Flavor
- Herveryown
- Infertile Fantasies
- It Could Take 3 Months
- Journeywoman
- Just Crazy Enough to Try
- Maybe Baby
- Me the Bumblebee
- Money Makes the Sperm...
- My Dear Watson
- My Perky Ovaries
- Olivia Drab
- Purgatory
- Serenity Now!
- Square peg, round whole
- Still Trying After All Those Pills
- Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
- The Island
- The Oneliner
- The Secret Garden
- The Smarshy Files
- The Unlucky 20 Percent
- This, That,and the Mother Thing
5 comments:
I guess they figure with all the doctors visits you've been through, you must know the basics by now, such as no alcohol.
I'm glad to hear things are going well. You're almost through the scary first trimester, and then hopefully you can enjoy the pregnancy a little more without having so many concerns.
I didn't have mu first OB visit till I was over 12 weeks. That was more Ava's fault, though...we had to cancel at 10 weeks because we were in the hospital with her. lol
"Uh, yeah, I can't come to my OB appt because I'm in the hospital, we just had a daughter. I need to reschedule." It was pretty funny.
I feel you on being worried all the time. I would really really really REALLY reccomend the doppler. I mean, it doesn't KEEP me from worrying, but it DOES most CERTAINLY keep me from worrying all the time. I feel worried, I get it out, I hear baby, and I go on with it. My RE said that really, the heartbeat was more indicative of healthy baby at this point than cramping or bleeding or whatever. So it makes me feel SO much better. I found a place, too, that you have to rent it for 60 days, but then after that you can rent by the DAY so that if you want to keep it till you get kicks or whatever, you can. And I think it was reasonably cheap (like $50ish for the 60) too. If you want more info, email me. Seriously. I think it even saved us a trip to the ER when I was bleeding because I would have been like, ok, we're GOING TO THE HOSPITAL NOW if I couldn't have heard baby.
Good luck with trying to stay positive. If you ever want to vent and want someone who won't think at all you're whining, you know where to find me!!
I know when I get pregnant I'll be the same way, waiting impatiently for obvious signs of a "real" pregnancy. Wouldn't it be great just to kick back and start planning like someone who has never even imagined that things could go wrong?
You have already made it to 12 weeks, which is really good. I hope you feel some flutters or start to show ASAP! I hear that the doppler can be very reassuring.
Wishing you an eventful yet healthy rest of your pregnancy...
I think that the panicky feeling probably never goes away. Even after you've given birth, you'll be worried that your baby will be sick with something.
it is kind of weird to wait for so long, my OB wanted to see me at 8 weeks even though i'd just had a scan at the RE. they just wanted certain baselines like weight, etc. i think your fears will start to calm down once you have those appointments. there will be a lot to see at your next scan, whenever that is, and i'm sure it will be very reassuring!
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