CD 0.5

My clinic only counts CD1 when the flow starts before noon. So since it started at 1pm today, CD1 is tomorrow. But, oh, how glad I am to see her! It's ridiculous, isn't it? That I would be thrilled to get my period? This IF business really turns things upside down. I'm sure you other PCOSers know how I feel.

So this means I can actually cycle this month. For the FIRST TIME EVER. I have been waiting almost 2 years to take Clomid. Which also seems ridiculous. Ms. C describes the hell of IF-waiting really well in her recent post, and it's so true. Amazing how long it takes to get going. I think of all the friends who started trying way after me and are now playing with their babies. But I won't even go there. I'm trying to stay positive these days.

So hang tight. Saturday will be my first Clomid pill (50mg) and I have no idea what to expect. Maybe nothing. My body is not exactly cooperative when it comes to ovulating! And maybe something. Just maybe, there will be something.

I'm baaa-aaack

Vacation in Cancun was wonderful. I'll post some pics when I finally upload them from the camera, but it was so nice to be in the warmth and go swimming and not have to worry about anything. I even managed to not think too too much about this cycle.

K and I were able to take a day away from his family and do our own thing, which involved me getting us into a typical (for me) Latin American adventure. I read about a great island off the coast to visit, where we can arrange to go snorkeling. Great! We figured out what bus we needed to take to the ferry dock and are merrily on our way.

We get to the ferry dock and this guy calls K and me over to a map of the island, where he's talking to two Mexican women tourists. He describes where to go snorkeling, etc. and then says he will arrange everything. Before I know what's going on, I'm standing in a hut next to the ferry terminal, paying for an all-day "tour". We're going to get a "private" boat over to the island, and they will arrange snorkeling and lunch. Okay, right?

We sit around, sit around, waiting for the private boat. Clearly, they're trying to scare up some more business before taking us out. I start to get irritated and tell them that we want to just take the ferry, which is about to leave. They say, no no, no, we're leaving right now. So K, me, and the 2 women clamber into a ramshackle boat, and take off, over big waves, to the island. Our "private boat" takes twice as long as the ferry.

When we finally get to the snorkeling place, we see a lot of other snorkelers there. The guide gives us a mask and breathing tube but no flippers. He said it was too shallow for flippers.

I start off snorkeling, following all of the other snorkelers, who are swimming towards a big lighthouse, quite a ways from the boat. All of the other snorkelers are swimming with guides. All of the other snorkelers have flippers. But, la la la I go, looking at all the pretty fish. K tells me he thinks we're swimming too far away, but I ignore him and keep looking at the fish. When I finally start looking around, I realize that I'm out by the lighthouse, K is nowhere in sight, all of the other snorkelers are getting onto boats that have just picked them up, my boat is nowhere in sight, and OH YEAH, there's an insanely strong current pushing me in the opposite direction of my boat. I start swimming, HARD. I am getting nowhere. I start to worry a little. Then I start to worry a lot. One of the guides from another group asks where my guide is, and where my flippers are. I say I have neither. He looks at me incredulously. He tells me it is physically impossible to swim back and that it being too shallow for flippers is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. He then has me climb up onto their very fancy catamaran boat, talking all kinds of shit about my guide, and they drive me back to my piece-of-crap boat.

When I finally get back to my boat, after the rescue, K is sitting in the boat fuming. He also was rescued by another boat and was some combination of angry (that I didn't stop looking at fish to look around for him and because he was calling me trying to get me onto the other boat) and worried (that I would be washed out to sea and that he couldn't tell the guide what was going on since he doesn't speak Spanish) about me. Our guide? Says absolutely nothing. Doesn't even look concerned!

So away we go to a restaurant where we had the option of swimming with a shark. We didn't take them up on it, but they had this poor cat shark penned up in the water outside the restaurant. Craziness. We did have a delicious lunch of local, fresh caught, and fresh grilled, fish, and K learned about a new drink that involves Corona and a half glass of lemon juice, and the rest of the day was perfectly lovely. The two women in the boat with us were sweet and interesting, and since they didn't speak English, I got to speak more Spanish that I have in years, which was wonderful. And at the end of the day, we headed back to the mainland with our guide, who was driving the boat while downing a rum and Coke.

It was great to be on vacation. It was just what we needed. And I'm even energized (a little) about work and am really ready to start this IF treatment cycle. My father-in-law (an ob/gyn) removed my bellybutton stitches this weekend (on his hotel bed, with a pair of tweezers and nail scissors!!). I finished the Pro.vera and am now on period watch. If she doesn't flow in the next day or so, this cycle's going to be out, but I'm really really hoping we're going to be able to move forward, so please think good flowy thoughts (is that gross?) for me!

Hanging up my thermometer

Never mind what I said yesterday. There was no ovulation. Why do I STILL keep kidding myself that my body is going to perform as expected? I forgot to take the Pro.vera last night and low and behold my temp was back low again this morning. So no ovulation. And I discovered that yes, Pro.vera = high temps, crampy feelings, slightly tender BBs. Duh. It is progesterone, after all.

I hereby vow to find a super secret hiding place for the thermometer, where I won't be tempted by it. Like maybe tucked into a box in the basement with my copy of TCOYF. And now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that my period shows asap so we don't have to cancel our very first cycle.

In other news, I'm off to Cancun early tomorrow morning for a long weekend vacation with K and my in-laws, which will be very nice and much needed. And my belly button is even presentable enough now for a bikini (well, as long as no one is looking deep into it!). I'll be lying on the beach, sipping daiquiris, and thinking good thoughts for all of you. Be well.

Here We Go

Though it's far from creative, "Here We Go" is the catchphrase for the Steelers (though I'm a born&bred New Englander, I'm now living in Yinzer-land). During football season, Here We Go posters are all over the place. In banks, on bridges, in the airport. Pittsburgh is nuts about the Steelers. Nuts.

And now, Here I Go.

Our RE appointment last week was great and she (Dr. K) gave us the all-clear to do our first monitored Clo.mid round. Only since my period is among the missing, I'm first inducing it with Pro.vera. I started the Pro.vera on Friday, and so far no side effects (I'm on it for 10 days).

Here's the thing. Yesterday, I started feeling a little crampy down in the ovary region and this morning my temp (yes, still temping. I don't know how to quit.) went way up. I know it's progesterone and can make my temps increase, but by how much? Can you ovulate on Pro.vera? Can it make you ovulate? Dr. Google has been less than helpful. I also observed some ewcm this weekend, but basically just ignored it (ha, who are we kidding, I stretched the hell out of it). And even though I wasn't supposed to have anything in my hooha for 2 weeks post-lap, I did insist on sex Sunday night, because, well, you just never know. I'll see if my BBs start hurting, which is a genuine O sign for me, but then again Pro.vera could probably cause that. I'm going to drive myself crazy over here. Maybe I'll call Dr. K in the morning.

The other issue is that I'm quickly realizing the timing is going to be all wrong for this cycle if my period doesn't arrive right after I'm done with the Pro.vera. I have to go to a work conference in California for 5 days, right in the middle of when I would probably ovulate if it's at all delayed.

So. Deep breathing. If not this month, then no harm in waiting a month. Deep breath in, deep breath out. I can't do anything about it anyway. In through the nose. I will get pregnant soon. Out through the mouth. (Can you tell I was at a yoga/meditation retreat this weekend?)

Back to normal (sort of)

Well, I'm back at work, even though I did have to leave early yesterday afternoon to go home and lie on the couch eating cereal out of the box (sidenote: have you ever tried Peanut Butter Bumpers? We (ok, mostly ME) are obsessed with this cereal. Seriously. As in more than one box a week. It's an addiction at this point), snuggling with my cat, and watching reruns of Law&Order.

I just get so tired! And I'm still a little sore - it feels more like dull period cramps than anything, like my ovaries are acting all huffy since somebody touched them.

But I'm definitely on the mend. And am really excited about my RE appointment on Thursday. I'm hoping that she'll give us the all-clear to finally start doing something! I've been in limbo for months now, finishing all the testing, surgery, K's visits to the porn room, etc. I'm just ready to start ingesting hormones and giving ourselves a real shot at having egg and sperm make sexy time.

At the suggestion of my Reiki practitioner, I've been visualizing holding my newborn, staring at his/her little face, inhaling his/her baby scent, enjoying that incredible sensation of holding a sleeping baby. When she first suggested it, it seemed like such a scary thing to do, since it would force me to acknowledge the (terrifying) hope. But now that I've been doing the visualizing, it actually makes me feel so happy. I know for sure, one way or another, I WILL be a mother. It's like that children's book, I just need to keep on chanting "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

My new belly button

I'm taking a break from lying on the couch - believe it or not, you CAN get sick of bad movies and MTV and reruns. So I actually turned the TV off, put some music on, and am catching up reading blogs and ignoring my work email.

So the lap went well. REALLY well. Dr. My Age was in and out of my belly button in a half hour. Shot some dye through the tubes and miraculously it came out both sides this time. Maybe he used more force than the HSG? And there don't appear to be any adhesions and the hydrosalpinx is fairly small. Which is great news. I was so relieved.

One cool aspect of the surgery is that he gave me color pictures of my insides - I can see my ovaries, my tubes, my uterus. Not that I really know what I'm looking at, but my father-in-law, who is an OBGYN, came over last night and looked at the pics with us (and they brought chicken soup and made dinner and took care of me, which was really nice). My FIL did think that it looks like my tubes might be clubbed at the end, which may be a problem, but I'm trying not to think about that too much, since he's not our doctor and I'll just let our RE interpret the surgery report and pictures herself.

As an aside, my FIL has seen more of my body than anyone, except my husband. I'll have to blog sometime about when he had to admit me to a hospital for kidney stone surgery. K's least favorite story.

Anyway, I'm not in too much pain ( nothing that a little Advil can't fix), I'm tired, and a little uncomfortable, but mostly doing just fine. Enjoying the excuse to lie around and recover. And gaze at my new navel.

Whither February

The nurse just called to go over the surgery instructions for the lap on Wednesday and asked when my last period was. I said, Jan 27. She said, "What happened to February?" I wanted to laugh hysterically but of course mumbled something about PCOS and not ovulating. Ha ha, funny, good times over here in the Land of Broken Ovaries.

So surgery's on for 12pm on Wednesday. I'm not to wear makeup, hairspray, or nail polish. Bummer, since I was planning on going all out.