Here We Go

Though it's far from creative, "Here We Go" is the catchphrase for the Steelers (though I'm a born&bred New Englander, I'm now living in Yinzer-land). During football season, Here We Go posters are all over the place. In banks, on bridges, in the airport. Pittsburgh is nuts about the Steelers. Nuts.

And now, Here I Go.

Our RE appointment last week was great and she (Dr. K) gave us the all-clear to do our first monitored Clo.mid round. Only since my period is among the missing, I'm first inducing it with Pro.vera. I started the Pro.vera on Friday, and so far no side effects (I'm on it for 10 days).

Here's the thing. Yesterday, I started feeling a little crampy down in the ovary region and this morning my temp (yes, still temping. I don't know how to quit.) went way up. I know it's progesterone and can make my temps increase, but by how much? Can you ovulate on Pro.vera? Can it make you ovulate? Dr. Google has been less than helpful. I also observed some ewcm this weekend, but basically just ignored it (ha, who are we kidding, I stretched the hell out of it). And even though I wasn't supposed to have anything in my hooha for 2 weeks post-lap, I did insist on sex Sunday night, because, well, you just never know. I'll see if my BBs start hurting, which is a genuine O sign for me, but then again Pro.vera could probably cause that. I'm going to drive myself crazy over here. Maybe I'll call Dr. K in the morning.

The other issue is that I'm quickly realizing the timing is going to be all wrong for this cycle if my period doesn't arrive right after I'm done with the Pro.vera. I have to go to a work conference in California for 5 days, right in the middle of when I would probably ovulate if it's at all delayed.

So. Deep breathing. If not this month, then no harm in waiting a month. Deep breath in, deep breath out. I can't do anything about it anyway. In through the nose. I will get pregnant soon. Out through the mouth. (Can you tell I was at a yoga/meditation retreat this weekend?)

Back to normal (sort of)

Well, I'm back at work, even though I did have to leave early yesterday afternoon to go home and lie on the couch eating cereal out of the box (sidenote: have you ever tried Peanut Butter Bumpers? We (ok, mostly ME) are obsessed with this cereal. Seriously. As in more than one box a week. It's an addiction at this point), snuggling with my cat, and watching reruns of Law&Order.

I just get so tired! And I'm still a little sore - it feels more like dull period cramps than anything, like my ovaries are acting all huffy since somebody touched them.

But I'm definitely on the mend. And am really excited about my RE appointment on Thursday. I'm hoping that she'll give us the all-clear to finally start doing something! I've been in limbo for months now, finishing all the testing, surgery, K's visits to the porn room, etc. I'm just ready to start ingesting hormones and giving ourselves a real shot at having egg and sperm make sexy time.

At the suggestion of my Reiki practitioner, I've been visualizing holding my newborn, staring at his/her little face, inhaling his/her baby scent, enjoying that incredible sensation of holding a sleeping baby. When she first suggested it, it seemed like such a scary thing to do, since it would force me to acknowledge the (terrifying) hope. But now that I've been doing the visualizing, it actually makes me feel so happy. I know for sure, one way or another, I WILL be a mother. It's like that children's book, I just need to keep on chanting "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

My new belly button

I'm taking a break from lying on the couch - believe it or not, you CAN get sick of bad movies and MTV and reruns. So I actually turned the TV off, put some music on, and am catching up reading blogs and ignoring my work email.

So the lap went well. REALLY well. Dr. My Age was in and out of my belly button in a half hour. Shot some dye through the tubes and miraculously it came out both sides this time. Maybe he used more force than the HSG? And there don't appear to be any adhesions and the hydrosalpinx is fairly small. Which is great news. I was so relieved.

One cool aspect of the surgery is that he gave me color pictures of my insides - I can see my ovaries, my tubes, my uterus. Not that I really know what I'm looking at, but my father-in-law, who is an OBGYN, came over last night and looked at the pics with us (and they brought chicken soup and made dinner and took care of me, which was really nice). My FIL did think that it looks like my tubes might be clubbed at the end, which may be a problem, but I'm trying not to think about that too much, since he's not our doctor and I'll just let our RE interpret the surgery report and pictures herself.

As an aside, my FIL has seen more of my body than anyone, except my husband. I'll have to blog sometime about when he had to admit me to a hospital for kidney stone surgery. K's least favorite story.

Anyway, I'm not in too much pain ( nothing that a little Advil can't fix), I'm tired, and a little uncomfortable, but mostly doing just fine. Enjoying the excuse to lie around and recover. And gaze at my new navel.

Whither February

The nurse just called to go over the surgery instructions for the lap on Wednesday and asked when my last period was. I said, Jan 27. She said, "What happened to February?" I wanted to laugh hysterically but of course mumbled something about PCOS and not ovulating. Ha ha, funny, good times over here in the Land of Broken Ovaries.

So surgery's on for 12pm on Wednesday. I'm not to wear makeup, hairspray, or nail polish. Bummer, since I was planning on going all out.

I'm a DD

So yesterday I wrote a whole post and then came back and deleted it. I just couldn't stand how whiny and depressing I sounded. Yes, I am still impatient about waiting for the surgery and frustrated that I haven't ovulated and antsy to get on with things and stagnant in my work life. But it's not going to make any of those things better to whine about them. And it's probably going to make me feel worse to wallow. And I didn't want to come back here and see those pathetic words staring at me. Or at you, for that matter. So I deleted.

When I was planning my wedding, I used to spend gobs of time on thekn0t.com and after the wedding, I spent gobs of time on thenest.c0m. On the Nest, women post about a sad/weird/freaky situation they are in, seeking advice from all the other newlyweds. Like someone suspecting their husband was cheating on them, or whose mother-in-law hated them, or who go fired from her job because she spent too much time on the Nest (true story. I think.). Whenever someone didn't like the responses they were getting to their post and would then delete it, they were labeled a DD* (dirty deleter).

When the infertility really started to become apparent, I stopped going to the Nest. I felt too old for it. And started going to sites like SoulCysters (a PCOS site). And then started coming here to IF-blogland. I gravitate online to like-minded souls, people who are in similar situations, who really understand. I hope I someday migrate over to some pregnancy or mommy oriented sites. Fingers crossed.

How did you guys end up in IF-blogland?

*Betcha thought the title referred to my b00bies! Unfortunately, they're more like an AA!

Things that are NOT happy

Grrr. Nurse just called. Most recent pap was abnormal. It's happened before; I am one of the lucky millions of women with HPV. But recent paps have been fine. Sigh. So at my post-op appointment, I have to have another colposcopy. Double sigh. Where can I sign up for a new body?

Twiddling my thumbs

I am trying to be a more patient person. But waiting for the lap so we can even begin to try seriously is just killing me. Plus I had held out hope (of course) that I would be the cliche who has to cancel the lap because she finds out she's pregnant just in time. But since I haven't even ovulated (read: bitter disappointment) that's obviously not going to be me.

But all is not so gloom and doom. Things that are happy:

1. My sister got engaged this past weekend! I'm so happy for her and can't wait to help her plan. Assuming she wants her bossy big sister's help!
2. Three of my friends had babies in the past week and all the babies are healthy. I really am happy for those friends, even though I'm also jealous.
3. Elephant fetuses (feti?).
4. India is cracking down on sex-selective abortion.
5. I'm going to Cancun with my in-laws at the end of March.
6. My in-laws are paying for it.
7. The deep freeze is leaving and it might be warm-ish this weekend.

Gosh, that list was a lot harder to compile than I would have thought.