There are no words to describe how I'm feeling right now

106.

I'm still shaking.
I don't even know what to say.
Today is our 2nd anniversary.
I feel so, so blessed.

**updated**

OK, I have calmed down a bit. Of course, this is good news, but we will still have to take it one day at a time. I have another beta scheduled for next Monday, and then we'll see where we are and what the next steps are. It seems so crazy that this is even happening. The fact that it is our 2nd anniversary makes it all the more surreal. I'll have to post about our anniversary tomorrow - there's a good story there about my limo blowing up en route to the church that would be fun to share with you all. But for today, I'm just in very very guarded awe.

I told my parents. Which was scary. If I verbalize it, it's more real. And that's scary. Like there's more to lose, like the higher I climb, the harder the fall would be. So my job will be to keep thinking positively. And not let the fear get to me. And just enjoy this, for however long it lasts.

Pins and needles

I went in this morning for the second beta. I'm anxious for the call yet simultaneously dreading it. It was fun this weekend, being a little bit pregnant. I let my hope run wild, even walked through the baby section of a few stores. Just for kicks, you know.

I really don't know what to expect today. On the one hand, I've been POAS every day and it's still positive. And I was exhausted yesterday evening. And have had a few other tiny symptoms (vaguely sore breasts, maybe a little nausea). On the other hand, I've been having light cramping on and off all weekend. And last night and this morning there was a little light brown spotting when I wiped. Could mean nothing. Could mean something. Stupid Dr. Google was very ambivalent.

I'll let you guys know as soon as I know... Send any hope you can muster my way...

Huh

Yesterday, I POAS before I hopped in the shower. No lines. When I got out, there was the faintest of lines, but I discounted it since I was pretty sure I was out of the 10 minute window (I take long showers).

A little while later, I POAS again. Definitely negative. Threw it in the trash. This morning, rummaged around in the trash (especially gross since a bag full of dirty kitty litter was in there. But these are desperate times!). When I finally located it, there were two lines, but god knows how long it took for that to show up.

Did not sleep well last night. I was awake from 4am onwards. Finally got up and POAS again. This time, the faintest of faint lines showed up within a few minutes. Still didn't believe it, since it was one of the +/- ones and I spent enough time yesterday at peeonastick.com to know that those are unreliable.

Beta this morning.
Nurse just called. I couldn't bear to talk live, so let her leave a message.
28.
I'm trying not to get TOO excited, since it's very very low, but there it is. Second beta Monday (Monday?! How the hell am I supposed to get through the weekend like this?). Trying to take some deep breaths and control my shaking hands. Holy moly, this is a totally different dog & pony show than I expected. Wow.

All that obsessing for nuthin'

So I forced myself to test this morning. I was so nervous and jittery. Almost spilled pee all over myself. Alas, no second line. White as bird crap. I still have to wait until Friday for the beta, but now that I know what the outcome is, I don't have to stress about it. And I can finally put my brain to better uses than wondering if I am smelling the popcorn in the office kitchen more intensely than usual.

And I'll be able to stop pushing those progesterone bullets into my vagine. And I can get outrageously drunk this weekend. Rockin'.

However, as someone commented, at least I know I can ovulate on Clo.mid. And that IS a huge accomplishment. My girls stepped up to the plate, and for that I am grateful.

As long as my follicles are behaving come CD3, I'm going to get my Clo.mid refill and start the next cycle. Let the games begin. Again.

12dpo and I can't bring myself to test

This 2WW is driving me INSANE. I thought I had it all under control, wasn't worrying about it, cool as a cucumber. HA!

Humiliating things I am doing (maybe if I admit it publicly I will stop):
1. I am pinching my boobs like there is no tomorrow. Do they hurt? Maybe a little?
2. I am staring at my boobs in the bathroom to see if the nipples look different or if there are any blue veins. I even asked K if he saw the imaginary blue vein that I dreamed up on my right boob. "Maybe!" was his helpful response. I seriously need some help.
3. I am constantly trying to determine if I feel nauseous and if it is different from how I regularly feel.
4. Same for feeling crampy.
5. Same for feeling tired.
6. I brought the thermometer out of hiding. My temp went down a bit today.
7. I waking up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep and have been trying to convince myself this is some sort of "sign".
8. I am being completely, embarrassingly, ridiculous.

I was planning to test this morning, to put myself out of this misery. But I just couldn't. There is some sick reward in allowing myself to continue to feel hopeful. Even though it takes up too much brain space. My rational side would just rather see the negative and get on with planning the next cycle. My irrational side doesn't want to see the big blank vast whiteness quite yet. Beta on Friday and I know I have to test before then, since I am certain that I would rather get bad news privately in my bathroom than on the phone.

Has this obsessing lessened for you with successive cycles? I really really thought I could behave myself this month. As it turns out, I can't.

No periods?

First things first, I have been away in sunny California for a "career development institute" and so have been away from blog world. I promise to catch up on all of you as soon as I can!

Things on my mind:
1. This New York Times article on a new BCP that would completely eliminate periods. It freaks me the hell out, personally. To me, there is something so normal and natural and womanly about having periods. Having periods is powerful. Eliminating periods feels like a taking away of female power, like it is some creation by men* to keep women down, disguised in the talk of 'making our lives easier'. Clearly, this article has me on my feminist soapbox. But really, if you look at the history of female menstruation, men have been threatened by it for ages (e.g. biblical statements that women who were menstruating were 'ritually unclean'). A pill that stops periods completely takes away the threat. Voila. Your thoughts on this?

2. 8dpo, no symptoms that can't be explained by the progesterone suppositories. Lots of dreams, sore nips, slightly crampy. Feeling like this is not happening this month. Which is completely expected - after all, who really gets lucky on the first Clomid round? But, still, would be nice (understatement of the year).

3. Realized at the career institute that in order to succeed in this business of academia, I need to start working MUCH harder. There was a session on life/work balance. The woman chairing the session said that while she would have liked to have more, she only had one kid so that she could advance in her career. "And now I'm an associate professor!". Hold up. What? That is considered work/life balance?? There has got to be another way. On the other hand, she had this one kid at age 41, so methinks there was a little more going on with not having number 2 than just the career. Would have been nice if she had been honest about that.

Anyway, I'll catch up on all of you this weekend! Hope you're doing well and that spring has finally found you. It's sunny here, in the 70s this weekend. Niiiice.


* I'm sure there are female scientists who are working on this and who believe in it, believe they are helping womenkind. But why is menstruation an illness that needs to be treated? To me, it's the very definition of womanhood (hence my feelings of being less womanly for not bleeding on my own). If I had it to do over, I'm not sure that I would have ever gone on the Pill. If I hadn't, I would have known about the infertility and the PCOS a lot sooner. And I would have been in touch with my body a lot sooner and understood how my insides worked (or in my case, didn't work).

Houston, we have lift-off

This morning, much to my utter shock, I had a positive OPK. I held it up to K and asked if he thought the lines were the same color. He did. And then when I told him what it meant he did a little jumping up and down dance. With glee in his eyes. Probably because he knows he's getting very very lucky for the next few days.

Because I have ovulated less than 3 times in the past 2 years, I had never seen a positive OPK before. What a beautiful sight. Who knew my ovaries can actually ovulate?

And the Surge (as they call it in my clinic) was confirmed this morning. The nurse just called with my bloodwork results - E2 554, LH 68, P4 1.4.

Oh, and the wanding! I know you're all dying to hear about that part. Sadly, it was not as exciting as I hoped. The tech didn't show me what she was looking at - the screen was turned away from me - so I didn't get to peer at my insides myself. I did ask if she saw any follicles and she said that she did - several small ones and one big one.

When I sat on the exam table and saw the wand, I wanted to bust out laughing because all I could think was "dildo cam! dildo cam! dildo cam!". Because, you know, that is EXACTLY what it looks like. The tech handed it to me, covered in condom and goo, and said, "insert it like you would a .... tampon". I swear there was a pause there and I KNOW she wanted to say, "like a dildo". Because that is what I would have wanted to say.

So we're off to have timed intercourse. Mmm, how sexy that sounds. And I start the progesterone suppositories tomorrow night. Even sexier. And then, well, we hope.

Twiddling thumbs

Every OPK has been negative. Tomorrow morning I go in for a scan to see WTF, if anything, is going on in there.

I confess that I am a wand virgin. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, they could see the pretty little cysts from the regular u/s, so skipped the wanding part. And this is my first monitored cycle.

[Side note: Who coined wanding? I love it. It makes it feel magical. Like a fairy princess. If only sticking a wand in there would POOF make a baby.]

Last night, I was skipping around, singing "they're gonna stick a camera up there, doo dah, doo dah, they're gonna stick a camera up there, oh, the doo dah day." I did this while K was using mouthwash. Which he promptly spit all over the place, laughing at me.

But really. It IS sort of cool. I know it will not be pleasant, but it will be SO much better to have an inkling of a clue about what my ovaries are up to. I'll update tomorrow and let you know. My guess is that they saw the Clo.mid and LAUGHED at it. Bitches.

Unlikely comrade

Yesterday, K and I met with a financial planner. Which was great. I feel so unburdened, knowing that he's going to draw up a plan for us that we can live with, that will help keep us financially secure now and in the future.

At one point in the meeting, he talked about our goals. I said, "well, we'd like to have children, so we'd want to plan for their futures". He smiled a somewhat (I thought) tortured smile and said, "well, I won't write that down for now. I wouldn't want to jinx anything."

I realized that we hadn't said anything about our IF struggles. And, then, I noticed several framed baby photos of twins. I understood that he knew what it was like be infertile. Maybe it is him and his wife. Maybe not - the pictures were in the general conference room, not his office. So maybe a colleague, a sibling, or a friend.

Or maybe he's just very sensitive and the twins photos were a coincidence. But it felt like such a breath of kindness. To have someone understand the hope and the fear. Not wanting to put it on paper. Not wanting to risk the hope.

-----------------------
In other news, I finished the Clo.mid last night. Does the fact that I didn't have any side effects (a little hot at night, but not too bad) mean that it's not going to work?

so far, so good, i guess

I've had 2 doses of Clo.mid and haven't erupted into crying jags or been bowled over by headaches and hot flashes. Yet.

I do have to get something off my chest, though. My very good friend just called. Last fall, she was emailing me about how she was frustrated that she was having a really hard time getting pregnant with number 3. She knows about what I'm going through. I totally sympathized with her, since I know secondary (tertiary?) infertility can be just as hard to deal with. It's been a while since I talked to her. Last time was before my surgery. She had just returned from visiting friends of theirs who have three kids, one of which was a newborn. I commiserated that it must have been hard for her. She demurred, changed the subject and I felt slightly blown off.

So she just called and it turns out she's 6 months pregnant with a girl (her other 2 are boys), due in June. She said she didn't want to tell me before my surgery. What the hell? Seriously?

And I'm so incredibly jealous. Especially since she also told me that they just bought a new house in a great school district and how they're going to buy a minivan, etc etc etc. I hate feeling jealous. I really really do. But I am green with envy over here. Ugh.
(Note: I don't want a minivan. I think they are hideous and tacky. But I want to have to buy one. I think you understand.)

I am really happy for her, and I know she's thrilled, and deservedly so. And she and her husband are wonderful people and great parents and I am really, truly, happy for them.

But I am so, so sad for myself. When is the magic wish-granting fairy coming to MY house?