This 2WW is driving me INSANE. I thought I had it all under control, wasn't worrying about it, cool as a cucumber. HA!
Humiliating things I am doing (maybe if I admit it publicly I will stop):
1. I am pinching my boobs like there is no tomorrow. Do they hurt? Maybe a little?
2. I am staring at my boobs in the bathroom to see if the nipples look different or if there are any blue veins. I even asked K if he saw the imaginary blue vein that I dreamed up on my right boob. "Maybe!" was his helpful response. I seriously need some help.
3. I am constantly trying to determine if I feel nauseous and if it is different from how I regularly feel.
4. Same for feeling crampy.
5. Same for feeling tired.
6. I brought the thermometer out of hiding. My temp went down a bit today.
7. I waking up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep and have been trying to convince myself this is some sort of "sign".
8. I am being completely, embarrassingly, ridiculous.
I was planning to test this morning, to put myself out of this misery. But I just couldn't. There is some sick reward in allowing myself to continue to feel hopeful. Even though it takes up too much brain space. My rational side would just rather see the negative and get on with planning the next cycle. My irrational side doesn't want to see the big blank vast whiteness quite yet. Beta on Friday and I know I have to test before then, since I am certain that I would rather get bad news privately in my bathroom than on the phone.
Has this obsessing lessened for you with successive cycles? I really really thought I could behave myself this month. As it turns out, I can't.
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11 comments:
Clearly you have been living inside my head EVERY 2WW since we began our tumultuous journey! My husband was convinced that my breasts were sore when I had the chemical pregnancy because I was constantly squeezing them to see if they were sore. In my experience, there is no way to talk yourself out of the madness.
I just read your last few posts and they are great! And, hey, even if this first cycle of Clomid didn't work at least you know that it caused you to ovulate. And remember, even woman who ovulate on their own do not get pregnant every time. I know the "at least" statements don't provide much comfort but having read other PCOS women's blogs, ovulating is nothing to sneeze at!
I've experienced everything you've described, and I haven't even been through a medicated and/or monitored cycle yet. That probably doesn't bode well for me.
I'm hopeful right along with you.
i find that the obsessiveness is getting worse for me. i'm 10dpo myself, so i feel your craziness!! :) i too thought i was behaving this month, but as of yesterday i seem to be back to my usual tricks!
i wish you the best for this cycle! hopefully this is your last 2ww!
Same here, cycle after cycle! I can remember walking through my office and trying to get a little squeeze of my boobs to see if it hurt but hoping no one would catch me. For my BFP cycle, I had zero symptoms. Well, I had heartburn for one day but it was one day only. I was convinced it was over. But I just couldn't bring myself to test. I finally HAD to test on the day of my beta b/c they never called me with results and I was about to tear my hair out. I am so thankful that I was able to find out our news like that though, I agree with you that it's better to find out where you want to and when you want to rather than waiting for "the call".
Hoping & praying that you get good news!! :)
Even on the cycle when I knew I couldn't be pregnant (no immaculate conceptions here), I would still be peering down my bra at the office, checking to see if my nipples were still hard and trying to remember if that was normal for me!
It's the waiting that drives us all to the brink of insanity. I am not so patiently waiting for my period to start and thus am constantly doing a symptom scan. And, I spend an incredible amount of time in the bathroom staring at tissue paper for a sign. I think I have finally lost whatever sanity I have left.
I wonder if this test of our sanity is to prepare us for motherhood...or perhaps some other aspect in our lives. I have never been a patient person, yet I find myself having to practice patience each and every month! Just when I think I am getting better, I take a look at my behavior and realize nothing has changed. Every month I stress myself out to the point of exhaustion- hmmm, no wonder I'm not pregnant yet- and I have just barely started my second year of trying...fertility doctor and all. The future doesn't bode well if I can't take hold of my emotions...but I honestly think the only cure is pregnancy. Until then, hopefully we can laugh at our behaviors together.
I have actually found myself getting less obsessive as time has gone on. Maybe after all of these cycles, I have lost a bit of hope. I guess it isn't entirely gone or I would have given up.
As far as obsessed, crazed IF people go, you are 100% completely normal. And the obsessing does not get less with each passing cycle. I am on a break, and I still obsessivley prod and poke at various parts of myself looking for "signs".
I would say don't POAS, but that would be HIGHLY hypocritical, so do whatever you need to.
Best of luck, and as Megan said, hopefully this IS the last 2ww.
Hey, THANK you for your wonderful, funny, and oh SO true post, u've been living inside MY head as well.
An element of answer : I'm still just as bad about stressing during the dreaded two weeks as on my very first cycle trying (and I've tried 3,5 yrs before meeting another partner and finally getting prgnt).
I am happy to realize I'm not HALF as crazed as some, I wouldn't even dream about pinching my bbs to see if they hurt ! (I had a good laugh with that one, then starting feeling sad at just how many girls admit to doing this...).
I WAS really a cool cat this cycle and pretty sure we had missed the boat (by one day), but then my whole world was turned upside down when I had light pink bleeding (which I hastily interpreted as implantation) at 4 and 5DPO. After that I got pretty heavy cramping (which I normally don't get during my cycle) and unusually high temp, which obviously set my imagination in full gear.
So at this point I feel absolutely miserable and tempted half to death to test, but I am SO afraid of getting a - and just like to endure this torture a bit longer.
I might give in on Sunday, which is Valentine's Day, and I would be SO incredibly happy to lay a + test in my hubby's lap ;-/
Oh my gosh! Your right were all going insane. Its just not fair to have a 2ww. Ugh. Been kinda trying for 2 yrs. Had a ultrasound to see if everything had proper blood flo and whatnot. And all is good. But my gosh! I am having such a hard time keeping my sanity. I'm 12-13dpo af due on christmas eve. Grr. Three days. Idk if I can wait. I keep trying to determin what is normal af or odd. Bgfhrjdek
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