31 Weeks

I'm still here! I haven't been posting (obviously) and haven't been commenting, either. Just reading along with what's been going on with all of you. Cheering for you when congratulations are in order, and feeling very sad for you when condolences are in order. I just haven't been actually putting my hands on the keyboard to share those feelings.

In part, it's because I don't really know what to write. It's hard to share all my happy feelings about this pregnancy and all the physical discomforts that come along with it, when I know those words are hard to read for many of you. And maybe it's hard to write because I sometimes still feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen, even though I have no reason to believe that something will. The whole "once infertile, always paranoid" conundrum.

All of that aside, I will share with you one interesting/gross/painful pregnancy side effect that I have been wanting to blog about, in the off chance that you experience this as well. I have a vulvar varicose vein. And this thing is HUGE. MY VAGINA HURTS A LOT. This may be too graphic, but it's a large, blue, rope-like vein that runs along the labia. Add to that major swelling and pain in the whole area, throw in many bruise-like spider veins on my thighs, and you will know immediately that there is no sex happening in my household. Wearing this has helped, but the pain still takes my breath away when I stand up after sitting for a while. Plus, the lacy jock strap contraption adds to the unsexiness of my nether regions. I am hoping and hoping that this resolves after the baby is born, but know that if I'm lucky enough to have a second pregnancy that it could get even worse.

But really, that is my ONLY complaint. I am getting tireder, wake up to pee a lot, and have the odd ache or pain in my back or legs, but those aren't even worth mentioning. Because above all, it is the sheer amazement of this pregnancy that is the dominant emotion. It still seems so surreal, even though this baby will be in my arms in two months. January seems simultaneously far away and right around the corner.

We've been taking Bradley Method birthing classes, which have been fabulous. I really want to have this baby as naturally as possible and the classes have helped to confirm that desire and to give us tools for the actual labor and delivery. And we have a doula too, who is a friend of mine from my yoga class, so I really feel prepared. Of course this will probably mean that I will end up needing an emergency c-section, since nature likes to laugh at the prepared.

Best of all is when this baby moves around. She seems to prefer my right side, and I love feeling the little lump of baby hanging out under my ribs. We are so excited to meet her.

I don't know how much more posting I will do in the coming weeks. I will definitely post an update after her birth to introduce this little Clomid baby. But then I'm not sure what will happen with this blog. I will definitely keep it up in case something I've experienced can be helpful to someone else. But I'm not sure I will continue blogging. I will still be around, though, checking in on all of you. And will be sending all my wishes and prayers that your infertility journeys come to swift and happy endings.

Sitting Straight Up

The ultrasound was AMAZING. There is really a baby in there. One who was sitting up when we first got a look. The u/s tech laughed, and said that they don't see that very often. And then this baby curled into a little ball, making it very difficult to get all of the necessary measurements. But, oh, so incredibly cute to see those little hands right by the little feet.

Everything is perfect. Four chambers to the heart, two kidneys, everything measuring right on track, normal amniotic fluid levels, etc. We are thrilled.

And? It's a girl! Just as K had dreamed the other night. Just as my sister dreamed in the very beginning of the pregnancy. And just as I had been sensing over the past couple of weeks. We're going to have a daughter! We couldn't be more thrilled.

Belly Dancing

First, thanks for your advice about my calling M and H. I emailed H and apologized if I had come across as nosy and told her that they had been in my thoughts and I wanted her to know I was thinking about them. She emailed back and said it was okay, and that she would only start to get concerned if I was keeping track of her cycle on a calendar. So I think we're okay. I think next time, I will wait for them to bring it up, or send an email a few days later saying that I am thinking about them. That way, she can respond or not, but still know that I remember what they're going through.

Second, Women Use Belly Dancing, Other Techniques During Childbirth, Wall Street Journal Reports. Just in case you were wondering about this.

Meanwhile, I am anxiously awaiting our BIG ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I hope, hope, hope everything is going okay in there. Please be healthy and growing, little baby.

I am also dying of a terrible cold, for which I can take nothing. Ugh! I seriously think I have sneezed approximately 67 times, and have used a half box of Kleenex. By day's end, it's sure to be empty. If I last all day at work, that is...

Anyway, will update you tomorrow on the u/s results!

Not sure I did the right thing

So we have two friends, M and H, who have been trying to conceive for about 6 years. Although they had tried Clomid before, mostly they were just trying on their own and hoping things would align. Recently, though, they began to get serious about treatment and just had their first IUI two weeks ago. They shared all the details with us, and were excitedly talking about the multiples they were sure to have, and I swallowed my pessimism and was excited for them.

Well, of course two weeks has passed and we all know what that means. We hadn't talked about it, but I knew they were likely going in for a beta either Friday or Saturday, and would know either way. And I didn't want to be nosy and bug them, but I also wanted them to know that we remembered to and were thinking about them. So I called them tonight to see how they were doing and ended up asking if they knew anything yet, and tried to apologize if I was being too nosy, and I still don't know if I did the right thing by calling. It was negative, and they were having margaritas when I called.

So I feel awful about calling if they didn't feel like sharing the news, or talking about it at all. And I feel like a really nosy annoying friend. But I also didn't want them to feel like they were alone and wanted them to feel cared about. But, ugh, how awkward that conversation just was and how awkward I feel about having called.

If it was YOU, and you were friends with me (and we had talked lots about IF previously and you were one of the first to know that I was pregnant and that it was via Clomid) would you want me to call or have been irritated that I called? Would you have wanted me to wait until you called me? Or wanted me to send an email asking how you were? What should I have done here? Ugh.

Nuthin's shakin', bacon

I thought the second trimester was supposed to make me super horny. Unfortunately for my husband, that has definitely not happened yet. I am feeling better - no more nausea, not as tired all the time, but still not very interested in rolling around in bed. I wonder if the incredible stress of having to have sex right-this-very-second-or-we-will-miss-it has ruined it for me? And will my libido ever come back?

But in general, there's not a lot to update - everything is going smoothly as far as I can tell. The paranoia is pretty much gone, though I do have my moments. I'm hoping that when I begin to show more, that it will feel even more real to me, and I'll feel even more secure that everything is going to be fine. Clothes-wise, I'm in a weird limbo phase where my regular pants are super tight and uncomfortable, but I don't feel ready for maternity clothes yet, so I'm just trying to scrape by with anything I can find in my closet with an elastic waistband.

Although it is much much easier for me to see pregnant women and babies all over the place, I still feel a little jealous of them. Isn't that ridiculous? Because, duh. However, a friend of mine just called. She has a 10 month old who was conceived on the second month off the pill. And now, an oops! She's already 6 weeks along and just found out yesterday when she decided to take a test since she just wasn't feeling herself. I'm glad that they don't have to suffer through IF but, seriously?

I feel like the fact that this is a pregnancy after IF is some kind of secret I carry around with me. We had friends visiting this weekend and I was talking to one of them who asked me if the pregnancy was planned. I laughed. And then told her the whole long story of how very much planned this was. She was stunned. She couldn't imagine, would have had no idea, etc. Sometimes I feel like I should talk about it more, about how it wasn't easy for us to get pregnant, just to try to normalize IF a bit. But other times, I just want to forget all the tests and doctor's visits and just let this be as normal a pregnancy as possible.

Sorry I haven't been writing more, but really, there has (thankfully) not been much to write about. Our anatomy ultrasound is scheduled for three weeks (!) from now, and I'm very excited to see him or her again and to maybe even find out what flavor baby we're having. My husband thinks it's a boy, for ridiculous reasons, like the fact that I have eaten chicken wings several times recently. Because, see, HE likes chicken wings, so therefore, it MUST be a boy!

Update

I called the practice where we'll be going and told them I was feeling anxious and they let me come in for a heart rate check this afternoon. The midwife who saw me was so incredibly nice and kind and was not judgmental in the slightest about my paranoia. She happily asked how I had been feeling, answered my questions about constipation (or as K calls it, poo poo anxiety), and let me hear the heartbeat. Which was strong and clear and sounded just like a little choo-choo train.

I'm so, so happy. This little guy really is in there, and is growing away. It's such a freaking miracle. And I just feel so blessed.

I will admit to feeling awkward about blogging about this pregnancy. Especially about my last post. So many of you have struggled so hard for so long and I've been feeling a sense of survivor's guilt. Especially since this is a result of the first round of Clomid. Granted, there were two years of alternative treatments and a surgery before the Clomid, but still. I don't know why I've been lucky and others haven't. If I could wave a magic wand and eliminate infertility for all of my friends, both on the internets and in real life, I would do it in an instant. It is so incredibly unfair.

I'll keep writing for now, but I don't know if anyone wants to keep reading. I know it's hard for many of you. I know when I first started reading blogs I was alternately annoyed when I came across pregnancy after infertility blogs and happy that so many people seemed to eventually get pregnant. If some of you want to disappear, I completely understand.

12w5d

Thanks so much to those who have been checking in on me. Everything is going okay (I think), aside from my constant paranoia that something terrible has happened and I just don't know it yet. I even Googled "missed miscarriage" this morning. You know, just in case there was some symptom (there is not) that would tell me everything is either okay or not okay.

What is wrong with me? I am so grateful to be pregnant but I have a hard time being joyful about it since I am so terrified. I have thought about renting a doppler, but that scares me too. I'm worried that it will just heighten my anxiety, rather than reduce it.

Most of the time I am okay. This worry just sneaks up on me. The last ultrasound was two and a half weeks ago and everything was totally fine. So there's no apparent reason to worry. But I haven't gained ANY weight yet and I certainly don't look at all pregnant. Which can be normal, I know. But still I'm worried.

My first "real" OB appointment isn't until July 9, when I will be 14.5 weeks. It weirds me out that I haven't had one prenatal visit yet. I don't count my numerous dildocam visits as normal prenatal visits. Isn't someone supposed to tell me not to drink alcohol and what and what not to worry about and give me an information packet?

Anyway, that's mostly why I haven't been posting. I don't have much to say other than my worry, which comes across as complaining, and I certainly don't want to imply that I'm complaining about this pregnancy. I am not. It is truly a miracle and I feel so INCREDIBLY blessed to be here.

I am just so afraid that it's not real somehow. I wish every day for some kind of sign, like starting to show, or feeling the baby move, but I know it's too early for that. Maybe this period of time is supposed to be teaching me about faith. About trusting God/the Universe to protect this new life and to sustain me through this time of worry. About letting go of my need to control everything. And about rejoicing in the joy that is right now, the reality that is this moment.

Sigh of relief

It's been a looong two weeks or so since I last posted. I'm sorry for my absence, but it was necessary. For one week, I was away, first at a conference, and then at my Ph.D. graduation. For the other week, I was trying to stay away from the internet, and just needed to think only positive thoughts and not obsess over what was going on inside me.

You see, at that follow-up appointment two weeks ago, they saw a thick band of tissue (called a synechia) across the amniotic sac. And they couldn't tell if the baby was attached to it or not. And they couldn't tell if the baby was going to have enough room to grow or not. The radiologist herself even came in for the scan and left saying she wanted to see me again in two weeks, and that there was reason to hope. Which also meant that there was possibly reason to despair. If the baby was attached to the synechia, it would mean very very bad things.

So for the last two weeks, I've basically tried to sit on my hands, breathe deeply, not think about it as much as possible, etc. So I had to escape from blogland for that to be possible. I'm really sorry for leaving you all in the dark. Thank you so much all of you who were checking in on me. I really appreciate it.

Today was our follow-up ultrasound. I'm about 10.5 weeks. AND! The synechia was smaller and thinner, and the baby was not attached, and is growing appropriately, and even has arms and legs and was swimming around. And the radiologist didn't even need to come in and the tech said that she hoped not to see us again until 18 weeks. They think it's just going to continue to shrink and that it's going to be absolutely nothing to worry about. I can't even describe how relieved we are, how much tension we've been holding about this.

I finally feel like maybe I can relax a little and enjoy this more, and not worry that I'm going to jinx myself by thinking ahead to early January, when this baby will make his/her appearance. Only a couple more weeks until the end of the first trimester, when I can breathe another sigh of relief, but I really feel like everything is going to be okay now. And I am insanely grateful.

We still have to meet with the high-risk OB practice on Wednesday, but I'm hoping it's just going to be a cursory consult, and that we can finally get transferred to a normal OB practice. I am beyond ready to just be normal.

And now, off to find out what's been going on with all of YOU!
(I think my Bloglines has something like 150 new feeds, so it might take me a while to catch up!)

There are times when Dr. Google is a good thing

Sorry I have been absent. I have been trying to keep my anxiety about this pregnancy at bay and worried that writing about it would just exacerbate it. I have been following along with you all, though, and YAY Bumble!!

I've been feeling what I think are "normal" pregnancy symptoms, like exhaustion (I finally brought a pillow into my office for naps on the floor) and some nausea. And there has been no spotting or cramping. But still, it's like waiting for something bad to happen. I am trying really hard to be nothing but positive, but it's so hard to trust my body.

This afternoon I had another u/s. The wanding went on forever (and again, I inserted my own wand). The tech said, "so, there's two, right?" I must have looked flabbergasted, since then she said something about the last u/s report saying something about there being another sac. She poked and prodded that thing in me and even called another tech in to look at the ultrasound. After much consultation, they decided that there was only one. And that one is looking pretty good, measuring roughly on track (okay, a few days behind, but I'm trying not to worry about it since measurements at this stage are fairly inexact) and the heartbeat was strong at 160. But there is a weird band or piece of tissue or something running through the sac, sort of making it look like two. There's nothing in the other sac. Or band, or whatever.

Of course K and I were freaking out about the band or sac or whatever it is. Our RE, who rocks, said that it's likely nothing to be worried about but we're going back for another u/s on Saturday morning at the regular hospital u/s department, which apparently has 3D u/s and doppler and will be able to tell us what's going on. On the u/s requisition form she said it was to "rule out amniotic band".

So, like the good little researcher I am, I ran back to my office and immediately Googled "amniotic band". There is something really scary called Amniotic Band Syndrome but it's really really rare and would probably not be able to be detected this early and our u/s pictures don't look like it. I think it looks most like a synechia, which is usually totally benign, but since I don't always trust that Dr. Google went to a certified medical school, I'll wait until Saturday for the real report. But, for once, perusing the internets did make me feel better.

Who even knew that this was something to worry about? I hope it's like the limo explosion. Not something I thought to worry about beforehand, but ultimately will have no real effect on the outcome. Hanging in there for now. Positive thoughts and prayers from blogland much appreciated.

Joy and Pain, Sunshine and Rain

Sadly, Grammy passed away yesterday morning. She was in bed with my grandfather, and when the nurse went to check on her early in the morning, she had no heartbeat. When my aunt arrived, my grandfather was upset, saying that she was supposed to die in his arms. So she got him back into bed, told him that perhaps she had not died just yet, put his arms around her, and he was able to be at peace with the thought that she was in his arms as she died. It makes me cry so much thinking about what that scene must have looked like and I am so grateful that my very loving aunt even had the presence of mind to allow him that moment. The funeral is tomorrow morning, so we're heading to Boston tonight.

My grandmother was an incredible person. She had six children. My father, the fourth child, was born 10 months after the aforementioned aunt. What they were doing having sex a month after birth with a newborn and two toddlers running around is beyond me! She managed to hold out after my dad was born, since my uncles after him came 6 and 11 years later. The funny thing is that my grandmother always claimed that my father was an ectopic pregnancy. Clearly, that's medically impossible, but I'm curious as to what the real story was.

Growing up, we lived about an hour from my grandparents, so I was fortunate to know them well and have very many fond memories. Grammy was known for her amazing chocolate chip cookies, for which my cousin and I got in trouble for sneaking from the fridge. And I'll always chuckle at her admonishment that I would always regret the fact that I had double pierced one of my ears when I was 16. She and my grandfather celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary at our wedding two years ago, and were even able to dance at the reception, which was wonderful.

I will really miss her, but am comforted by the fact that she's now pain-free and is at peace. Two days before she died, she woke up from the deep sleep/semi-coma state she had been in and out of and really wanted to get her hair done. She was convinced that she was heading to a party. The nurses were able to get her into a wheelchair and downstairs to the hair salon. Amazing. If only we could all pass into death feeling as though we were going to a party!

And then, this afternoon, I had my first ultrasound. The baby measured about 6w1d and there was a little heart flickering away on the screen. The juxtaposition of my grandmother's heart stopping beating yesterday and then seeing this little heart today is almost too much to bear. Life really is miraculous, and there is so, so much more to this universe than we will ever understand.

Breathing

All afternoon I was stressing out about why I hadn't heard from the nurse yet about beta #3 from this morning and convinced myself that they called to give good news first and waited for the bad news calls, which was why she hadn't called yet. As much as I was trying to stay positive, all day has been spent worrying. Worrying, worrying.

But then I came out of my meeting, and there was the message on my phone. And the order of calls was clearly just something my anxious brain invented. Because beta #3 was 2837. Which is a doubling time of something like 35 hours.

I am overjoyed, and terrified, and cautiously so, so excited.
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In very sad opposite end of the lifespan news, my Grammy is in her last few days of life. She's at home, and has hospice care, and all of her children and my grandfather are with her. She's been so sick for so long and has been suffering so greatly. I am relieved that she is being released from her pain. But, oh, how terribly we will miss her.

Having faith

Everything is seemingly going okay so far. I do have some symptoms, especially being very tired in the evenings, and that gives me some sense of reassurance. I am starting to understand why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes bought their own u/s machine, though. The comfort of being able to make sure that everything is okay in there whenever you want to would be marvelous.

Or maybe it wouldn't. Sometimes, you just have to have faith that everything will go as it needs to. And if it means that this pregnancy ends early, well, I'll just cross that bridge if I come to it. Worrying ceaselessly about the worst case scenarios is not helping. My mother thinks I'm crazy. I asked her if she worried about m/c when she was pregnant and she said that she didn't. I can't imagine being so blissfully unaware of all of the things that could possibly go wrong. I think I know too much.

But, I should just take a lesson from my own wedding. Some things that you DO worry about, don't happen. Like worrying that the flowers won't be delivered or that you won't fit into your dress on your wedding day. And then, there are some things that don't even occur to you to worry about, that happen anyway, like your limo exploding into flames en route to the church*:



But you know what? We still got married. And now we have an awesome story to tell. And worrying about all the things that could have gone wrong would have been pointless, because at a certain point, it's out of your control and you just have to have faith, and hope for the best.

So that's what I'm trying to do. Have faith. Be positive. Imagine that there will be a real live baby in January. And take lots of deep, even breaths. And just enjoy this new chapter.


* We were all fine, including my 8mo pregnant bridesmaid and the 4 year old flower girl, but had to run from the limo and to the church. In the rain. Luckily, we weren't that far away.

There are no words to describe how I'm feeling right now

106.

I'm still shaking.
I don't even know what to say.
Today is our 2nd anniversary.
I feel so, so blessed.

**updated**

OK, I have calmed down a bit. Of course, this is good news, but we will still have to take it one day at a time. I have another beta scheduled for next Monday, and then we'll see where we are and what the next steps are. It seems so crazy that this is even happening. The fact that it is our 2nd anniversary makes it all the more surreal. I'll have to post about our anniversary tomorrow - there's a good story there about my limo blowing up en route to the church that would be fun to share with you all. But for today, I'm just in very very guarded awe.

I told my parents. Which was scary. If I verbalize it, it's more real. And that's scary. Like there's more to lose, like the higher I climb, the harder the fall would be. So my job will be to keep thinking positively. And not let the fear get to me. And just enjoy this, for however long it lasts.

Pins and needles

I went in this morning for the second beta. I'm anxious for the call yet simultaneously dreading it. It was fun this weekend, being a little bit pregnant. I let my hope run wild, even walked through the baby section of a few stores. Just for kicks, you know.

I really don't know what to expect today. On the one hand, I've been POAS every day and it's still positive. And I was exhausted yesterday evening. And have had a few other tiny symptoms (vaguely sore breasts, maybe a little nausea). On the other hand, I've been having light cramping on and off all weekend. And last night and this morning there was a little light brown spotting when I wiped. Could mean nothing. Could mean something. Stupid Dr. Google was very ambivalent.

I'll let you guys know as soon as I know... Send any hope you can muster my way...

Huh

Yesterday, I POAS before I hopped in the shower. No lines. When I got out, there was the faintest of lines, but I discounted it since I was pretty sure I was out of the 10 minute window (I take long showers).

A little while later, I POAS again. Definitely negative. Threw it in the trash. This morning, rummaged around in the trash (especially gross since a bag full of dirty kitty litter was in there. But these are desperate times!). When I finally located it, there were two lines, but god knows how long it took for that to show up.

Did not sleep well last night. I was awake from 4am onwards. Finally got up and POAS again. This time, the faintest of faint lines showed up within a few minutes. Still didn't believe it, since it was one of the +/- ones and I spent enough time yesterday at peeonastick.com to know that those are unreliable.

Beta this morning.
Nurse just called. I couldn't bear to talk live, so let her leave a message.
28.
I'm trying not to get TOO excited, since it's very very low, but there it is. Second beta Monday (Monday?! How the hell am I supposed to get through the weekend like this?). Trying to take some deep breaths and control my shaking hands. Holy moly, this is a totally different dog & pony show than I expected. Wow.

All that obsessing for nuthin'

So I forced myself to test this morning. I was so nervous and jittery. Almost spilled pee all over myself. Alas, no second line. White as bird crap. I still have to wait until Friday for the beta, but now that I know what the outcome is, I don't have to stress about it. And I can finally put my brain to better uses than wondering if I am smelling the popcorn in the office kitchen more intensely than usual.

And I'll be able to stop pushing those progesterone bullets into my vagine. And I can get outrageously drunk this weekend. Rockin'.

However, as someone commented, at least I know I can ovulate on Clo.mid. And that IS a huge accomplishment. My girls stepped up to the plate, and for that I am grateful.

As long as my follicles are behaving come CD3, I'm going to get my Clo.mid refill and start the next cycle. Let the games begin. Again.

12dpo and I can't bring myself to test

This 2WW is driving me INSANE. I thought I had it all under control, wasn't worrying about it, cool as a cucumber. HA!

Humiliating things I am doing (maybe if I admit it publicly I will stop):
1. I am pinching my boobs like there is no tomorrow. Do they hurt? Maybe a little?
2. I am staring at my boobs in the bathroom to see if the nipples look different or if there are any blue veins. I even asked K if he saw the imaginary blue vein that I dreamed up on my right boob. "Maybe!" was his helpful response. I seriously need some help.
3. I am constantly trying to determine if I feel nauseous and if it is different from how I regularly feel.
4. Same for feeling crampy.
5. Same for feeling tired.
6. I brought the thermometer out of hiding. My temp went down a bit today.
7. I waking up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep and have been trying to convince myself this is some sort of "sign".
8. I am being completely, embarrassingly, ridiculous.

I was planning to test this morning, to put myself out of this misery. But I just couldn't. There is some sick reward in allowing myself to continue to feel hopeful. Even though it takes up too much brain space. My rational side would just rather see the negative and get on with planning the next cycle. My irrational side doesn't want to see the big blank vast whiteness quite yet. Beta on Friday and I know I have to test before then, since I am certain that I would rather get bad news privately in my bathroom than on the phone.

Has this obsessing lessened for you with successive cycles? I really really thought I could behave myself this month. As it turns out, I can't.

No periods?

First things first, I have been away in sunny California for a "career development institute" and so have been away from blog world. I promise to catch up on all of you as soon as I can!

Things on my mind:
1. This New York Times article on a new BCP that would completely eliminate periods. It freaks me the hell out, personally. To me, there is something so normal and natural and womanly about having periods. Having periods is powerful. Eliminating periods feels like a taking away of female power, like it is some creation by men* to keep women down, disguised in the talk of 'making our lives easier'. Clearly, this article has me on my feminist soapbox. But really, if you look at the history of female menstruation, men have been threatened by it for ages (e.g. biblical statements that women who were menstruating were 'ritually unclean'). A pill that stops periods completely takes away the threat. Voila. Your thoughts on this?

2. 8dpo, no symptoms that can't be explained by the progesterone suppositories. Lots of dreams, sore nips, slightly crampy. Feeling like this is not happening this month. Which is completely expected - after all, who really gets lucky on the first Clomid round? But, still, would be nice (understatement of the year).

3. Realized at the career institute that in order to succeed in this business of academia, I need to start working MUCH harder. There was a session on life/work balance. The woman chairing the session said that while she would have liked to have more, she only had one kid so that she could advance in her career. "And now I'm an associate professor!". Hold up. What? That is considered work/life balance?? There has got to be another way. On the other hand, she had this one kid at age 41, so methinks there was a little more going on with not having number 2 than just the career. Would have been nice if she had been honest about that.

Anyway, I'll catch up on all of you this weekend! Hope you're doing well and that spring has finally found you. It's sunny here, in the 70s this weekend. Niiiice.


* I'm sure there are female scientists who are working on this and who believe in it, believe they are helping womenkind. But why is menstruation an illness that needs to be treated? To me, it's the very definition of womanhood (hence my feelings of being less womanly for not bleeding on my own). If I had it to do over, I'm not sure that I would have ever gone on the Pill. If I hadn't, I would have known about the infertility and the PCOS a lot sooner. And I would have been in touch with my body a lot sooner and understood how my insides worked (or in my case, didn't work).

Houston, we have lift-off

This morning, much to my utter shock, I had a positive OPK. I held it up to K and asked if he thought the lines were the same color. He did. And then when I told him what it meant he did a little jumping up and down dance. With glee in his eyes. Probably because he knows he's getting very very lucky for the next few days.

Because I have ovulated less than 3 times in the past 2 years, I had never seen a positive OPK before. What a beautiful sight. Who knew my ovaries can actually ovulate?

And the Surge (as they call it in my clinic) was confirmed this morning. The nurse just called with my bloodwork results - E2 554, LH 68, P4 1.4.

Oh, and the wanding! I know you're all dying to hear about that part. Sadly, it was not as exciting as I hoped. The tech didn't show me what she was looking at - the screen was turned away from me - so I didn't get to peer at my insides myself. I did ask if she saw any follicles and she said that she did - several small ones and one big one.

When I sat on the exam table and saw the wand, I wanted to bust out laughing because all I could think was "dildo cam! dildo cam! dildo cam!". Because, you know, that is EXACTLY what it looks like. The tech handed it to me, covered in condom and goo, and said, "insert it like you would a .... tampon". I swear there was a pause there and I KNOW she wanted to say, "like a dildo". Because that is what I would have wanted to say.

So we're off to have timed intercourse. Mmm, how sexy that sounds. And I start the progesterone suppositories tomorrow night. Even sexier. And then, well, we hope.

Twiddling thumbs

Every OPK has been negative. Tomorrow morning I go in for a scan to see WTF, if anything, is going on in there.

I confess that I am a wand virgin. When I was diagnosed with PCOS, they could see the pretty little cysts from the regular u/s, so skipped the wanding part. And this is my first monitored cycle.

[Side note: Who coined wanding? I love it. It makes it feel magical. Like a fairy princess. If only sticking a wand in there would POOF make a baby.]

Last night, I was skipping around, singing "they're gonna stick a camera up there, doo dah, doo dah, they're gonna stick a camera up there, oh, the doo dah day." I did this while K was using mouthwash. Which he promptly spit all over the place, laughing at me.

But really. It IS sort of cool. I know it will not be pleasant, but it will be SO much better to have an inkling of a clue about what my ovaries are up to. I'll update tomorrow and let you know. My guess is that they saw the Clo.mid and LAUGHED at it. Bitches.

Unlikely comrade

Yesterday, K and I met with a financial planner. Which was great. I feel so unburdened, knowing that he's going to draw up a plan for us that we can live with, that will help keep us financially secure now and in the future.

At one point in the meeting, he talked about our goals. I said, "well, we'd like to have children, so we'd want to plan for their futures". He smiled a somewhat (I thought) tortured smile and said, "well, I won't write that down for now. I wouldn't want to jinx anything."

I realized that we hadn't said anything about our IF struggles. And, then, I noticed several framed baby photos of twins. I understood that he knew what it was like be infertile. Maybe it is him and his wife. Maybe not - the pictures were in the general conference room, not his office. So maybe a colleague, a sibling, or a friend.

Or maybe he's just very sensitive and the twins photos were a coincidence. But it felt like such a breath of kindness. To have someone understand the hope and the fear. Not wanting to put it on paper. Not wanting to risk the hope.

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In other news, I finished the Clo.mid last night. Does the fact that I didn't have any side effects (a little hot at night, but not too bad) mean that it's not going to work?

so far, so good, i guess

I've had 2 doses of Clo.mid and haven't erupted into crying jags or been bowled over by headaches and hot flashes. Yet.

I do have to get something off my chest, though. My very good friend just called. Last fall, she was emailing me about how she was frustrated that she was having a really hard time getting pregnant with number 3. She knows about what I'm going through. I totally sympathized with her, since I know secondary (tertiary?) infertility can be just as hard to deal with. It's been a while since I talked to her. Last time was before my surgery. She had just returned from visiting friends of theirs who have three kids, one of which was a newborn. I commiserated that it must have been hard for her. She demurred, changed the subject and I felt slightly blown off.

So she just called and it turns out she's 6 months pregnant with a girl (her other 2 are boys), due in June. She said she didn't want to tell me before my surgery. What the hell? Seriously?

And I'm so incredibly jealous. Especially since she also told me that they just bought a new house in a great school district and how they're going to buy a minivan, etc etc etc. I hate feeling jealous. I really really do. But I am green with envy over here. Ugh.
(Note: I don't want a minivan. I think they are hideous and tacky. But I want to have to buy one. I think you understand.)

I am really happy for her, and I know she's thrilled, and deservedly so. And she and her husband are wonderful people and great parents and I am really, truly, happy for them.

But I am so, so sad for myself. When is the magic wish-granting fairy coming to MY house?

CD 0.5

My clinic only counts CD1 when the flow starts before noon. So since it started at 1pm today, CD1 is tomorrow. But, oh, how glad I am to see her! It's ridiculous, isn't it? That I would be thrilled to get my period? This IF business really turns things upside down. I'm sure you other PCOSers know how I feel.

So this means I can actually cycle this month. For the FIRST TIME EVER. I have been waiting almost 2 years to take Clomid. Which also seems ridiculous. Ms. C describes the hell of IF-waiting really well in her recent post, and it's so true. Amazing how long it takes to get going. I think of all the friends who started trying way after me and are now playing with their babies. But I won't even go there. I'm trying to stay positive these days.

So hang tight. Saturday will be my first Clomid pill (50mg) and I have no idea what to expect. Maybe nothing. My body is not exactly cooperative when it comes to ovulating! And maybe something. Just maybe, there will be something.

I'm baaa-aaack

Vacation in Cancun was wonderful. I'll post some pics when I finally upload them from the camera, but it was so nice to be in the warmth and go swimming and not have to worry about anything. I even managed to not think too too much about this cycle.

K and I were able to take a day away from his family and do our own thing, which involved me getting us into a typical (for me) Latin American adventure. I read about a great island off the coast to visit, where we can arrange to go snorkeling. Great! We figured out what bus we needed to take to the ferry dock and are merrily on our way.

We get to the ferry dock and this guy calls K and me over to a map of the island, where he's talking to two Mexican women tourists. He describes where to go snorkeling, etc. and then says he will arrange everything. Before I know what's going on, I'm standing in a hut next to the ferry terminal, paying for an all-day "tour". We're going to get a "private" boat over to the island, and they will arrange snorkeling and lunch. Okay, right?

We sit around, sit around, waiting for the private boat. Clearly, they're trying to scare up some more business before taking us out. I start to get irritated and tell them that we want to just take the ferry, which is about to leave. They say, no no, no, we're leaving right now. So K, me, and the 2 women clamber into a ramshackle boat, and take off, over big waves, to the island. Our "private boat" takes twice as long as the ferry.

When we finally get to the snorkeling place, we see a lot of other snorkelers there. The guide gives us a mask and breathing tube but no flippers. He said it was too shallow for flippers.

I start off snorkeling, following all of the other snorkelers, who are swimming towards a big lighthouse, quite a ways from the boat. All of the other snorkelers are swimming with guides. All of the other snorkelers have flippers. But, la la la I go, looking at all the pretty fish. K tells me he thinks we're swimming too far away, but I ignore him and keep looking at the fish. When I finally start looking around, I realize that I'm out by the lighthouse, K is nowhere in sight, all of the other snorkelers are getting onto boats that have just picked them up, my boat is nowhere in sight, and OH YEAH, there's an insanely strong current pushing me in the opposite direction of my boat. I start swimming, HARD. I am getting nowhere. I start to worry a little. Then I start to worry a lot. One of the guides from another group asks where my guide is, and where my flippers are. I say I have neither. He looks at me incredulously. He tells me it is physically impossible to swim back and that it being too shallow for flippers is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. He then has me climb up onto their very fancy catamaran boat, talking all kinds of shit about my guide, and they drive me back to my piece-of-crap boat.

When I finally get back to my boat, after the rescue, K is sitting in the boat fuming. He also was rescued by another boat and was some combination of angry (that I didn't stop looking at fish to look around for him and because he was calling me trying to get me onto the other boat) and worried (that I would be washed out to sea and that he couldn't tell the guide what was going on since he doesn't speak Spanish) about me. Our guide? Says absolutely nothing. Doesn't even look concerned!

So away we go to a restaurant where we had the option of swimming with a shark. We didn't take them up on it, but they had this poor cat shark penned up in the water outside the restaurant. Craziness. We did have a delicious lunch of local, fresh caught, and fresh grilled, fish, and K learned about a new drink that involves Corona and a half glass of lemon juice, and the rest of the day was perfectly lovely. The two women in the boat with us were sweet and interesting, and since they didn't speak English, I got to speak more Spanish that I have in years, which was wonderful. And at the end of the day, we headed back to the mainland with our guide, who was driving the boat while downing a rum and Coke.

It was great to be on vacation. It was just what we needed. And I'm even energized (a little) about work and am really ready to start this IF treatment cycle. My father-in-law (an ob/gyn) removed my bellybutton stitches this weekend (on his hotel bed, with a pair of tweezers and nail scissors!!). I finished the Pro.vera and am now on period watch. If she doesn't flow in the next day or so, this cycle's going to be out, but I'm really really hoping we're going to be able to move forward, so please think good flowy thoughts (is that gross?) for me!

Hanging up my thermometer

Never mind what I said yesterday. There was no ovulation. Why do I STILL keep kidding myself that my body is going to perform as expected? I forgot to take the Pro.vera last night and low and behold my temp was back low again this morning. So no ovulation. And I discovered that yes, Pro.vera = high temps, crampy feelings, slightly tender BBs. Duh. It is progesterone, after all.

I hereby vow to find a super secret hiding place for the thermometer, where I won't be tempted by it. Like maybe tucked into a box in the basement with my copy of TCOYF. And now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that my period shows asap so we don't have to cancel our very first cycle.

In other news, I'm off to Cancun early tomorrow morning for a long weekend vacation with K and my in-laws, which will be very nice and much needed. And my belly button is even presentable enough now for a bikini (well, as long as no one is looking deep into it!). I'll be lying on the beach, sipping daiquiris, and thinking good thoughts for all of you. Be well.

Here We Go

Though it's far from creative, "Here We Go" is the catchphrase for the Steelers (though I'm a born&bred New Englander, I'm now living in Yinzer-land). During football season, Here We Go posters are all over the place. In banks, on bridges, in the airport. Pittsburgh is nuts about the Steelers. Nuts.

And now, Here I Go.

Our RE appointment last week was great and she (Dr. K) gave us the all-clear to do our first monitored Clo.mid round. Only since my period is among the missing, I'm first inducing it with Pro.vera. I started the Pro.vera on Friday, and so far no side effects (I'm on it for 10 days).

Here's the thing. Yesterday, I started feeling a little crampy down in the ovary region and this morning my temp (yes, still temping. I don't know how to quit.) went way up. I know it's progesterone and can make my temps increase, but by how much? Can you ovulate on Pro.vera? Can it make you ovulate? Dr. Google has been less than helpful. I also observed some ewcm this weekend, but basically just ignored it (ha, who are we kidding, I stretched the hell out of it). And even though I wasn't supposed to have anything in my hooha for 2 weeks post-lap, I did insist on sex Sunday night, because, well, you just never know. I'll see if my BBs start hurting, which is a genuine O sign for me, but then again Pro.vera could probably cause that. I'm going to drive myself crazy over here. Maybe I'll call Dr. K in the morning.

The other issue is that I'm quickly realizing the timing is going to be all wrong for this cycle if my period doesn't arrive right after I'm done with the Pro.vera. I have to go to a work conference in California for 5 days, right in the middle of when I would probably ovulate if it's at all delayed.

So. Deep breathing. If not this month, then no harm in waiting a month. Deep breath in, deep breath out. I can't do anything about it anyway. In through the nose. I will get pregnant soon. Out through the mouth. (Can you tell I was at a yoga/meditation retreat this weekend?)

Back to normal (sort of)

Well, I'm back at work, even though I did have to leave early yesterday afternoon to go home and lie on the couch eating cereal out of the box (sidenote: have you ever tried Peanut Butter Bumpers? We (ok, mostly ME) are obsessed with this cereal. Seriously. As in more than one box a week. It's an addiction at this point), snuggling with my cat, and watching reruns of Law&Order.

I just get so tired! And I'm still a little sore - it feels more like dull period cramps than anything, like my ovaries are acting all huffy since somebody touched them.

But I'm definitely on the mend. And am really excited about my RE appointment on Thursday. I'm hoping that she'll give us the all-clear to finally start doing something! I've been in limbo for months now, finishing all the testing, surgery, K's visits to the porn room, etc. I'm just ready to start ingesting hormones and giving ourselves a real shot at having egg and sperm make sexy time.

At the suggestion of my Reiki practitioner, I've been visualizing holding my newborn, staring at his/her little face, inhaling his/her baby scent, enjoying that incredible sensation of holding a sleeping baby. When she first suggested it, it seemed like such a scary thing to do, since it would force me to acknowledge the (terrifying) hope. But now that I've been doing the visualizing, it actually makes me feel so happy. I know for sure, one way or another, I WILL be a mother. It's like that children's book, I just need to keep on chanting "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

My new belly button

I'm taking a break from lying on the couch - believe it or not, you CAN get sick of bad movies and MTV and reruns. So I actually turned the TV off, put some music on, and am catching up reading blogs and ignoring my work email.

So the lap went well. REALLY well. Dr. My Age was in and out of my belly button in a half hour. Shot some dye through the tubes and miraculously it came out both sides this time. Maybe he used more force than the HSG? And there don't appear to be any adhesions and the hydrosalpinx is fairly small. Which is great news. I was so relieved.

One cool aspect of the surgery is that he gave me color pictures of my insides - I can see my ovaries, my tubes, my uterus. Not that I really know what I'm looking at, but my father-in-law, who is an OBGYN, came over last night and looked at the pics with us (and they brought chicken soup and made dinner and took care of me, which was really nice). My FIL did think that it looks like my tubes might be clubbed at the end, which may be a problem, but I'm trying not to think about that too much, since he's not our doctor and I'll just let our RE interpret the surgery report and pictures herself.

As an aside, my FIL has seen more of my body than anyone, except my husband. I'll have to blog sometime about when he had to admit me to a hospital for kidney stone surgery. K's least favorite story.

Anyway, I'm not in too much pain ( nothing that a little Advil can't fix), I'm tired, and a little uncomfortable, but mostly doing just fine. Enjoying the excuse to lie around and recover. And gaze at my new navel.

Whither February

The nurse just called to go over the surgery instructions for the lap on Wednesday and asked when my last period was. I said, Jan 27. She said, "What happened to February?" I wanted to laugh hysterically but of course mumbled something about PCOS and not ovulating. Ha ha, funny, good times over here in the Land of Broken Ovaries.

So surgery's on for 12pm on Wednesday. I'm not to wear makeup, hairspray, or nail polish. Bummer, since I was planning on going all out.

I'm a DD

So yesterday I wrote a whole post and then came back and deleted it. I just couldn't stand how whiny and depressing I sounded. Yes, I am still impatient about waiting for the surgery and frustrated that I haven't ovulated and antsy to get on with things and stagnant in my work life. But it's not going to make any of those things better to whine about them. And it's probably going to make me feel worse to wallow. And I didn't want to come back here and see those pathetic words staring at me. Or at you, for that matter. So I deleted.

When I was planning my wedding, I used to spend gobs of time on thekn0t.com and after the wedding, I spent gobs of time on thenest.c0m. On the Nest, women post about a sad/weird/freaky situation they are in, seeking advice from all the other newlyweds. Like someone suspecting their husband was cheating on them, or whose mother-in-law hated them, or who go fired from her job because she spent too much time on the Nest (true story. I think.). Whenever someone didn't like the responses they were getting to their post and would then delete it, they were labeled a DD* (dirty deleter).

When the infertility really started to become apparent, I stopped going to the Nest. I felt too old for it. And started going to sites like SoulCysters (a PCOS site). And then started coming here to IF-blogland. I gravitate online to like-minded souls, people who are in similar situations, who really understand. I hope I someday migrate over to some pregnancy or mommy oriented sites. Fingers crossed.

How did you guys end up in IF-blogland?

*Betcha thought the title referred to my b00bies! Unfortunately, they're more like an AA!

Things that are NOT happy

Grrr. Nurse just called. Most recent pap was abnormal. It's happened before; I am one of the lucky millions of women with HPV. But recent paps have been fine. Sigh. So at my post-op appointment, I have to have another colposcopy. Double sigh. Where can I sign up for a new body?

Twiddling my thumbs

I am trying to be a more patient person. But waiting for the lap so we can even begin to try seriously is just killing me. Plus I had held out hope (of course) that I would be the cliche who has to cancel the lap because she finds out she's pregnant just in time. But since I haven't even ovulated (read: bitter disappointment) that's obviously not going to be me.

But all is not so gloom and doom. Things that are happy:

1. My sister got engaged this past weekend! I'm so happy for her and can't wait to help her plan. Assuming she wants her bossy big sister's help!
2. Three of my friends had babies in the past week and all the babies are healthy. I really am happy for those friends, even though I'm also jealous.
3. Elephant fetuses (feti?).
4. India is cracking down on sex-selective abortion.
5. I'm going to Cancun with my in-laws at the end of March.
6. My in-laws are paying for it.
7. The deep freeze is leaving and it might be warm-ish this weekend.

Gosh, that list was a lot harder to compile than I would have thought.

yadda, yadda, yadda

I don't have a whole lot to say. Seems like I'm just living in this limbo state right now, waiting for the lap so I can feel like we're moving forward again. My RE told me we could try on our own this month, ha. It's hard to try when you don't really ovulate. I've been trying to convince my body that it ovulated these past few days. Even fudged my temps a little on fertilityfriend to get the line. And have been pushing my boobies to see if they are sore. They're not. And I'm sure I didn't ovulate. Why do I have such a crappy body?

I woke up feeling down today. I'm still bothered by a comment one of my friends made the other day. I'm sure you've all heard this particular brand of comment before. She was bouncing her 5-month old daughter on her hip, after telling me all about how hard/boring it is to be a SAHM, and then she says, "are you sure you really want one of these?". Actually, no. I'm just having the freaking surgery for shits and giggles. UGH.

I can't expect her to understand. She got pregnant the second month off the Pill. And I'm glad that she didn't have any trouble - I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But still. She knows all about what's going on with me. And she has another friend who's on her second IVF. So she could understand, a little. Yet we live in such separate worlds. I know I'm distancing myself from her. I can't help it.

"Are you sure you want one of these?" It just sounds so condescending. Like I'm some kind of desperate loser.

WOW. New PCOS study.

This is huge news in the PCOS treatment world. I tried metformin for 6 months, even though I am not overweight and did not have insulin resistance, just because it was the standard (though off-label) treatment. I am soooo glad I decided to take myself off it. See? It doesn't even work. And it made me feel so incredibly awful ALL the time. I hated Metformin.

Women Taking Clomiphene More Likely To Become Pregnant Than Women Taking Metformin, NEJM Study Says

Women who have polycystic ovary syndrome and take the drug clomiphene are more likely to become pregnant than women with PCOS who take the drug metformin, according to a study published in the Feb. 8 issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, the Washington Post reports (Washington Post, 2/13). PCOS is a hormonal imbalance that affects approximately 5% to 10% of U.S. women of reproductive age and is the most common cause of infertility in women. PCOS can cause a lack of ovulation, polycystic ovaries, irregular menstruation or missed periods, and clinical or biochemical evidence of high androgen levels -- such as facial hair or male pattern balding. Other symptoms include weight gain, insulin resistance and skin discoloration (Kaiser Daily Women's Health Policy Report, 8/31/05). For the study, which was funded by the National Institute for Child Health and Human Development, researchers from NIH and the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine enrolled 626 infertile women with PCOS in three groups. The first group took only clomiphene, the second only metformin and the third a combination of the two drugs. Researchers tested the women's progesterone levels to determine when they were ovulating (University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine release, 2/7). The women were asked to have sexual intercourse every two to three days, and they took the drugs daily for up to six months and stopped if they became pregnant. Sixty percent of the women who took both drugs ovulated, compared with 49% for women who took only clomiphene and 29% for women who took only metformin, the study found (Washington Post, 2/13). The study also found that 26.8% of women in the combination group gave birth, 22.5% of women in the clomiphene-only group and 7.2% of the women in the metformin group. Obese women were less likely to conceive and were less likely to ovulate when taking metformin, according to the study. Christos Coutifaris, director of the Division of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at the University of Pennsylvania and lead author of the study, said, "The bottom line here is that ovulation does not necessarily result in a successful pregnancy," adding, "The results suggest that an ovulation due to clomiphene is two times as likely to result in pregnancy compared to an ovulation caused by metformin" (University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine release, 2/7).

Sadness with a side of eggwhites

Last night K caught up on the phone with one of his buddies from grad school who he hadn't talked to in a few months. And... (I'm sure you can already predict this), his wife is pregnant! Due in June! With twins! When K came downstairs after he got off the phone he just sat down and started watching TV without saying anything. I asked how his friend was, and he told me the news. I asked him if it made him feel sad. His eyes. They were so watery. We just held each other for a while. I think I sometimes forget that this affects him as much as it does me. Sigh.

On the bright side (warning: tmi alert), after obsessively checking cm the past week or so (we're talking close my office door so I can stick my hand down my pants obsessive), I observed a teensy amount of ewcm last night. Even called K into the bathroom to show him. See how insane this is? What normal person shows their husband these things? It's probably just an ewcm drive-by rather than the real deal, but I still get excited when I think my body is working anything close to normally.

decisions/ complaints

So I came across (who am I kidding, I was searching for it) a job opening today at a place I think I'd like to work. It's still research, but it's with a public health organization that provides health care to low income women and their families. Totally right up my alley.

The issues are:
1. Not wanting to burn bridges in academia
2. How can I even contemplate leaving in the middle of my postdoc (the amount of effort and $$ NIH has put into training me... the GUILT), see #1
3. Why would I make my life more difficult in the middle/beginning of IF treatment when my schedule is sooooo flexible now

Argh. Reading my list, I think I need to stick this postdoc out for now. And stop looking for other jobs. But, oh, the angst.

The other problem weighing on my mind today is our (old, Victorian, needs a LOT of work) house. We've put all the extra money we have into fixing the roof, the sewer line, and now our 3rd floor (new bathroom, new flooring, new windows, new electric, etc.). The amount that still needs to be done to this house is staggering. Pull up nasty carpets and tear off ancient linoleum to get to hardwood floors, which need refinishing; new kitchen (total gut job); many more new windows; new master bed/bath (again, MAJOR gut job); etc. I don't know where we thought we were going to have the money for all of this. It is feeling so overwhelming right now. I think we were on serious cr.ack when we decided to buy this house a year and a half ago. What do we do? Cut our losses and try to sell it without a new kitchen etc.? Stick it out and see it as a long term, decades long, project? Uuuuggh.

In IF news, lap scheduled for March 7. Anyone ever had one? I'm a little skeered of the whole surgery.

progress report

I have to submit a progress report for my postdoctoral fellowship. If I was being TOTALLY honest about what I do all day, this is what it would look like:

Dr. [Carrie] has completed approximately 5 months of her two-year research fellowship. During this time, she has focused on developing an infertility blog, preparing herself for infertility treatments, and spending an excessive amount of time reading a variety of infertility blogs and message boards online. In addition, Dr. [Carrie] adopted a dog with severe mental health problems, researched treatments for these problems, and then mourned the dog's death. Finally, Dr. [Carrie] has focused on renovating her old Victorian house that was probably a mistake to buy. She has actively participated in meetings with her contractor and worried about having enough money to both renovate the house and pursue fertility treatment. Her plans for the next year of the fellowship include getting (and staying) pregnant, deciding whether academia is really the best career choice/ researching ways to leave academia, and continuing to renovate her house. If these activities are not successful, she will continue to BS her way through the postdoc fellowship and submit an eerily similar progress report next year.

chasing squirrels in heaven

Last night, our poor sweet Reba was hit by a car and was killed. We had taken her to a friend's house - we were going out to dinner with our friends, and Reba was going to stay with their dog and their babysitter. The babysitter briefly let the dogs out into the fenced-in yard, and somehow, Reba escaped. We'll never know if she freaked out and tried to go find us, or if she saw a cat and was trying to chase it, or what exactly happened. Apparently she was still breathing right after the accident, but by the time we were able to rush back from the restaurant, she was gone.

We loved this dog so much. We adopted her from the Humane Society in the middle of November. She had severe separation anxiety (which is why we brought her to our friends' house in the first place). She had managed to chew out of a metal crate, and we had just purchased a new door for her second crate. She was on anti-anxiety herbs and freaked out in the crate whenever we left, whether it was for 10 minutes or several hours. But she had been getting a little better. She was able to wait in the car while we went into a store, which was a huge improvement. There was so much potential in this poor sweet pup. We will never know how much more we could have rehabilitated her. We always imagined we'd have many many years with her.

It breaks our hearts that she's gone. She was the most loving, loyal dog. She rarely barked, didn't jump, didn't beg. She'd follow us around the house and lay down wherever we were. She loved going for walks. LOVED going for walks. And we loved taking her. And most of all, she loved squirrels. And we picture her in heaven, chasing squirrels around to her heart's delight, free from all anxiety, free from all pain.

Dr. MyAge

So I met with the Dr. who will do my lap surgery. And he's MY AGE. I didn't think I was old enough to be thinking that doctors were looking so young these days. Not that it matters, of course. I'm sure he's a good surgeon. It's just so strange to be in stirrups, staring at the ceiling, talking to someone who you could just as easily have been talking to at a party.

Speaking of the stirrups, I had no idea there would be an exam involved in the consult. At this point I so willingly drop my pants, spread open, and let someone probe around in there without a second thought. And since I was overdue for one, I asked him to do a Pap "while he was down there". As though he was running an errand for me.

introductions

My reason for starting this blog is that among everyday life challenges, I'm also dealing with infertility. I often question WHY I have this particular struggle and thought maybe writing about it would bring some understanding of what the Universe is trying to teach me, or what I can learn from this. And just to share my experience with those in similar positions. Or with those who just like reading about other people's lives (voyeurs, you know who you are).

My short infertility history for those similarly struggling: I was married almost two years ago (to my beloved husband, K) and stopped taking the Pill shortly thereafter (after 11 years on it). I wasn't trying to get pregnant at that point, but thought I'd try using a diaphragm (ha ha ha). Well, my period never came back. I didn't have a period for a year and a half. At all. I was finally diagnosed with PCOS about a year ago. I tried a bajillion natural things to get healthier, including acupunture, Chinese herbs, and taking metformin (yuck). Nothing seemed to be working, and the metformin was only making me feel nauseated so about 6 months ago I stopped everything and started seeing a naturopathic physician, who has me on a slew of vitamins and natural supplements. AND, my period returned. AND, I've even ovulated twice. My cycles are still long, but we do appear to be getting somewhere.

Since December, I've finally been under the care of a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). It look me a long time to feel ready for Western medicine and the whole fertility treatment roller coaster, but here we are. And now? Even more fun surprises. I had an HSG (NOT fun at all) and apparently one of my tubes may be blocked so today I'm meeting with a gyne surgeon to talk about laproscopic surgery. AND we have some male factor issues as well so K is off to the urologist. Good times.

That's where we are so far. Hello, blogosphere.